My Beautiful Woman…

I had chanced upon this video a couple of days ago. It is a beautiful little story that touched me.

Sometimes we take upon ourselves the responsibility to be good to someone and to make their life better. And sometimes, it is us who end up feeling better.

Leaning a shoulder to cry on is comforting to a person who is feeling low. But I have realized that it gives me a warmer feeling more than anything else. It is hard to discern if my role was to give or receive the warmth.

Jane’s words at the end of the video is an epitome of selflessness. She does not want to be appreciated for her good heart or put on a pedestal for her noble actions. She just wants to love and make a difference. She has.

The world is filled with good, caring, loving, amazing people, and this blog world has shown me just that.

I am posting this video here as a dedication to Sir and Ms.Darling, Carissa, Cate.B, Ā Elisabeth, Tarynloun, Zoe, Mer, Patricia, Evie, Kendall and many other lovely people I have met here.

Dawn Break…

The last one month has been quite interesting for me. I have made a few new friends, some of whose friendships I know I will cherish for a lifetime, have started working on a few initiatives that I had put away for a while now, have started running again and since yesterday restarted my efforts to learn Chinese, yet again. I have had varying thoughts throughout this period and as I go through the motions of everyday life, my faith in the goodness of this world is reinforced.

I have always believed that there is no right way or wrong way of doing anything, only a popular way. If you do not follow the popular way, you would be labelled as a a strange person and could eventually be denounced as an outcast. But I also believe that if you do not live your life by your own terms, you cease to live and would just ‘exist’. The reason why I write about this now, is because I have been thinking of doing a few things which may not be acceptable to a lot of people, where I come from. But surely not now; I will do it, in time.

There still isn’t a single day when I do not think about a certain someone and the ‘good’ times, but I have come to terms with reality and do not let it affect me (much). The thoughts will remain forever, so be it. But I will live my life and touch others lives as much as possible in some way.

February was the month of love. And, I love. šŸ˜‰

The Journal of a wonderful trip…Continued

Day 3:

Continuing from where I left on. We sat next to each other and were talking for a while. And as our conversations proceeded I asked her a few questions or rather made a few assumptive statements that she answered.

Firstly, without me asking her, she said she loves me. This was a first. She has never said that before. I know she probably meant that she loved me in a platonic way. But whatever that was, I was still happy to hear it from her.

I then proceeded to say that, ‘I know you will not agree to being with me even if he is not around’ and she said ‘No, that’s not true”. I did not prod (I did not wish to hear explanations for the statement or the meaning – I am just being foolish), but I smiled within.

Then we talked some more and I asked ‘Would you really be happy, if I am with someone else.’ and she said, ‘I would surely be jealous of her for a while but would then be happy if you are happy’. I would make her jealous, means something to me. I did not prod on.

These three things made meaning to my life. Firstly, this told me that, deep down inside she does love me. Not just as a friend, but something a wee bit (wee, wee) more than that. This again means so much to me that I cannot express it with mere words.

I am still cognizant of the fact that she may never be with me as I am surely not good enough for her. Maybe I do not deserve her. Someone better does. But this makes me think that I am special to her in some way. At least, at this very moment.

After we spoke for a while, it was time for her to leave. 4 AM again. And I took a taxi with her to her dad’s place. In the car, I tried to hold her hand and she said she does not want to. She was still angry with me for saying those stupid things. She cares about me and probably thinks that if she is mean to me, I will get angry with her and turn away and leave her. Little does she know that all that will do is just break me. Nothing more. In any case, we reached her dad’s place and she reluctantly gave me a good bye hug, She told me she may not be able to see me the next day as they planned to have dinner with her father for his birthday. I got back in the care and arrived at my hotel broken. I could not sleep for a long time and when I did, I didn’t know. I woke up in under 3 hours with a huge anxiety complex and ran out of the hotel as I was suffocating. I walked for about 2 hours before I could settle down and returned to the hotel to take a shower. But I could not stay indoors any longer and left out again.

Day 4:

Single most important day of my life yet.

As I said earlier, I woke up with anxiety and could not be normal for a long time. I walked for a long long time before I could settle down. I moved from this hotel to another place of stay – a bigger nicer place and at almost 2/3 the price. I liked the place and invited her to come and look over (texted her), though I thought that she would say ‘I don’t think I can come down tonight’. In the evening I asked her for her plans and she said she is going out to buy some shoes. Of course I needed shoes too, didn’t I! I did plan to buy a pair of brown dress shoes and I decided today was the day. I offered to go to wherever they were going and I went there in the hopes of meeting them. I was asked to wait for a bit before we could meet up and after about 3 hours later ( of aimless walking around, slowly shopping for 3 stupid items) I was told they were back at their place. But she said she could come over for drinks later. Worth all the wait and some more. I was very very happy that instant. She said she will let me know once she is ready.

In the meantime, I found this monk sitting on one of the busy streets with a big chart in front of him with different years listed out. People pointed out their year of birth and he picked out a small booklet that had predictions for the year 2014. I chose her year and the year Mr.Perfect was born. I did not think of myself for that moment and I realized that only after I walked away from the place. I surprise myself sometimes. In any case, the monk suddenly offered me a band made of beads. I told myself that this was from her and took it šŸ™‚

She did call me around 10.30 in the night, but my stupid phone was silent and I discovered that she had called a couple of times earlier.I eventually spoke to her and gave her directions to my place.

She arrived at around 12 AM. Until then I had been drinking the left over wine and went and bought a new one as she was coming. I wrote my blog ‘I made a mistake’ in the meantime and told myself that tonight I should maintain my distance and should ask her once, if I could hold her hands one more time. When she saw my place, she liked it. I had gotten her some small gifts and I gave it to her and she looked happy. I never get her expensive stuff and never expect anything from her. I only asked her for a wrist band that she herself had once promised me that she would get me. But I have been asking her about it so many times that I felt bad. Maybe she was going to feel that ‘Damn, why did I even tell him that I would get him one’. Anyway, I did get my band from ‘her’ through other ways as explained a little while earlier.

After the gifts opening, we opened the bottle of wine. She opened it nicely, as I usually spill or break the cork into many pieces if I do. We had one glass and sat as far apart as we could. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.She then moved over to the bed as she was feeling cold on the couch. We were talking about paddy farming (yes, really) and she challenged me that paddy can grow on sloped hills. I asked her to look it up on my iPad not releasing that it was still on the WordPress page and she read my ‘I made a mistake’ blog as I continued to drink and shake my head. She then asked me to sit next to her on the bed. I was reluctant this time, though I really wanted to. I did though, and I asked her if I could hold her hand. Her answer made me immensely happy and perplexed me. She then said a few words that I cannot share here, but will forever be etched in my heart. But this night was the best night of them all. Again, I reiterate that the train never reached the station – it was not meant to, does not deserve to. But I was still so immensely happy. A lot of things changed and I felt that she does love me more than what I thought. She just does not express it.

Of course I do understand that he is more important to her than me. She would never say it, but I know it. And that is the very reason why I have not tried to go all the way with her. I respect her feelings and I will try to stay down as much as possible. I wish her to be happy. And as I have stated so many times before I would do anything to keep her that way. It may make me sad, but she cannot be held ransom for my sadness. She is too important and precious to this world than I would ever be.

She then smoked a cigarette with me and let me take some pictures with her which I treasure so much. We then left for her place with no plans for the next day, when both of us were departing. I got my goodbye hug for the night and I went back to my room with a smile.

Day 5:

I decided to meet her parents and in the process meet her as well. I called her Mom in the morning and made plans to meet them later that day. I went to her place and she came down and smoked with me. We then went with her parents for a coffee and at the end of it I gave her parents small gifts each which made them smile. We then took happy family pictures and her Mom took down my contact details and promised to keep in touch. She and I went out to smoke again and walked around her apartment building. I thought of holding her hands but did not. It was time for me to leave and we came back to collect our bags from her parent’s place. Her Dad and Mom accompanied me to the bus stop and I so desperately wanted to hug and kiss her. I suddenly ‘remembered’ that I needed mint on my way back and asked her to go with me as her parents waited there. We went into a store and looked for some and could not find it and as we walked back I pulled her back and hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks. She said, ‘I knew it, I knew it’ and she was smiling. I was very happy. I didn’t stop and started walking back to where her parents were waiting, when she pulled me and gave me a kiss on my cheek (a wet one at that). Again, Heaven can go to Hell, I don’t care. This was way better than anything else. I was so happy that very instant and tried to record it in my mind. We then bid good bye to each other and I was instantly sad. I gave her Mom and Dad a hug each and hugged her as well in front of her parents and without turning back, boarded the bus to the airport. It was a long sad ride. She went out shopping for a ring with them as I left. I thought she was probably not as sad, but later I learnt she was.

I returned back o where I lived, drinking throughout my flight. Upon my return, I was waiting for her to touch down herself. In about 12 hours time, she messaged me before her flight wheels had even touched the ground (as I had requested that off her). I was chatting with her on her way back home from the airport and we exchanged some really sweet messages. I truly believed that she did love me more than I thought.

This was the end of my beautiful period. It saddens me to think that this may never happen. She would see him soon and be enamored by his awesomeness again. I would again become just a friend who was let off his leash for a while. I would not be anything more and that is probably what she wants. She wants me to be with someone else and be happy myself. How can I tell her that she is my life and anyone else seems so alien to me. How can I tell her that she makes the meaning of my life.

Anyway, I am just being an idiot. I should know my place. I only wish for her to be happy and I will try to hold back these feelings from her as much as possible. I hope she is forever happy. I will try my best to make her be that.

I love her immensely.

I will love her upon my last breath and every breath until then.

I still love her….

Dear all,

the last two days with her have been amazing. I have sort of come to terms with accepting her love for her man. But now I genuinely believe that I will be a part of her life always – some small but significant part. I still love her with all my heart. I think no one can ever match her in my life. But like I promised I will try to stay open and see what destiny has chosen for me. But I still believe that there could be no one who loves her more than I.Ā 

Crazy, but true….

And now I think…

I have been talking about her to so many people here on WordPress and outside. I have been receiving several kinds of advise which have all made sense to me. I have thought about her for every single moment since I left the country where I met her. I have gone through so many permutations of scenarios of what would happen. I feel the need to stop thinking about this and have been told so by so many people.

Now, I believe I have come to terms with what I need to do.

I believe I can be a very close friend of hers. To stand through thick and thin. I will continue to love every ounce of her as I always do. But I will showcase it in the most platonic way possible. If I truly love her, I should let her be. She is going through some emotions with another person now and I respect that. I cannot try to win her back now. It is wrong. For her and for the man as well.

I have grown up with a lot of self respect. I do not wish to seem like a pathetic love struck loser in her eyes. I will improve myself in all respects in my life – I have been bad over the last few years for a number of reasons. I will stand up tall again.

I will learn to smile more and look happier. I will genuinely try to be happy as well. I want to be with several new people and talk to them and avoid talking about her as much as possible.

If she sees the person in me worthy enough of her, she will come back to me someday. But I will not bank my hopes on it. I will accept whatever happens. After all, as I promised, no one in this world would be able to love her the way I do.

I will change for the better.

I will love her till my last breath with all my heart, and that will never change.

This is how I will show my respect for her.

And she asked me…

This is my first blog on the subject of love. I have never been in love; or should I say I ‘had’ never been in love before and when I did experience it for the first time, I realized how beautiful and complicated the feeling is. This post is based on a recent conversation I had with the girl I love. Now, I must tell you that, she is seeing someone else, I came into her life a little later than I would have wanted to, but I may have never had the chance to win her over. So simply put, I love her, she likes me as a friend but is with someone else. Sounds interesting huh!

Today was a really crazy day. Over the last few days I missed her so much that I could barely sleep. She had been out with her boyfriend and I was waiting for her to come back to work, so I could see her. I did see her and I my life lit up once again. After work, she stopped by at my place for a smoke and asked me a weird question. I wonder if you would ever hate me.Ā I replied to her that I will not allow myself to do that. I explained to her that unlike love, to hate someone you do not really need a reason. It is indeed strange yet very true (there would be a lot of people who would say that about love, but trust me, if you sit down and think about it you will realize why you love a person). I also told her that if I ever had that feeling of hatred towards her, I would tell myself things that would make me love her again. She laughed and said that I was crazy to think that way. She then bid me good bye and drove back home and I went up to my room and tried to sleep.

Sometime between the point where I was fully asleep and remotely conscious, I was thinking of her question. I was pondering what is it that I would tell myself to make myself love her over and over again and suddenly it came out like poetry and I decided to write it down for my own sake and for the sake of people who care to read this and experience my love.

You asked me if I could ever hate you. I thought about it and realized that, I may. But if I ever get that feeling, I would remind myself of all the wonderful things that made you such a lovable person in my eyes. I would remind myself of how happy you make me feel just by being around me, how lost in a trance I become when I look into your beautiful eyes, how smooth and soft your face feels when I touch it, how the curls of your tresses fall across your face, how beautiful the 7 moles on the right side of your face are, how special that one mole on your right upper lip is, how your eyebrows shoot up as if you are amused and amazed at the same time, every time you laugh at somebody’s jokes, how your nose is so cute that Cleopatra and Helen of Troy would have felt so insecure in your presence, how your lips seem so well crafted as if they were made-to-order to look that way, how your chin ends so sharply making your already beautiful face even more beautiful. I would remind myself of how wonderful it felt to touch the nape of your neck, the way your rounded shoulders felt strong yet soft, how your petite bosom seemed to hold more lifeĀ andĀ love, when I held them, than all theĀ voluptuous women out there, how your deep rounded navel was so perfect that it could hold an American dime in it and also how your skin folded into your navel making it so unique, how your love handles had just the right amount of fat to make it feel neither like an lifeless washboard nor like a pound of flab, how the V lines of your love spot seemed perfectly shaped to showcase the mound of love, how your folds fell more on the right than on theĀ left above the orifice to heaven, how your beautiful thighs were shaped like arching tree trunks, how your calf and shin had rope cuts from all the climbing you do and still manage to look beautiful, how your feet had cuts and bruises all over yet were small and pretty and held together this wholesome body. How could I hate God’s most perfect creation.

I also humor a thought. Several thoughts, actually. Of how would it be, if the world fell in place with my wishes. I imagine myself waking up next to you, naked of course, just the way we both like it, and I realize we are indeed together and it is not a dream anymore. I get up slowly to slide off the side of the bed, but you catch me moving and with your eyes still closed say “uh-uh”. I smile and I kiss you on your forehead and slide back next to you and hug you over your chest. I feel warm again and go to sleep. I imagine going out to surf in the beach with you and I almost drown when a big wave hits me. I barely make it to the shore and I lie on my back laughing and coughing at the same time. You run up to me, fall on your knees and ask me, “what the fuck just happened” and slap me. I still can’t stop laughing and pull you down and kiss you to make you alright again.

I imagine asking you to marry me, atop a hill as the sun sets with nobody around and you nod ‘yes’ and kiss me. We get married 5 times, in 5 different countries and vow to get married every year at a different place. You are so happy and I live with a perpetual smile on my face. We go on our first honeymoon to theĀ CaribbeanĀ and rent a beach side house. After an intense candle lit night of making love, I wake up earlier than you and sneak off the bed, get dressed and walk down the beach. As I swing my arms as I walk and look up at the sky, something soft catches my arm behind my back. It is you. You woke up too and followed me down and caught up with me. I kiss you and put my arms around your shoulder and walk down with you, as you rest your head on my shoulder.Ā 

We go Scuba diving and you play around with jelly fish and one stupid poisonous one stings you. I am petrified and carry you to the doctor, your arms are swollen and so are your lips and cheeks. You look like steamrollered Angelina Jolie, but I can’t laugh then as I am very worried. Eventually you recover (in a few hours, though it seemed like eternity) and joke about how you looked and you hate me when I mention about the A Jo portion.Ā 

We go out drinking one night and one of the lesser guys in the bar tries to hit on you, he slaps you on your back and I grow furious and sock him on his nose. Before it turns into a real brawl you pull me out and walk out of the place. You later reprimand me for being stupidly heroic in the wrong place. I am still angry, but I do not utter a word and hold your hand as we walk down the road.

We walk down the pier on one of your favorite beaches, it gets coldĀ and you hold on to my hands so tightly. I smile and wrap myself around you. You say you feel great right now but you are afraid to move as it may feel cold again. I sweep you off your feet and carry you to the car. You laugh all the way at how I am panting.

You are in the maternity ward, clasping my hand really hard as you push our first baby out. Very soon, I am holding the second most beautiful girl in the universe, in my arms. I am so overwhelmed and so are you. You chuckle and a tear escapes your eyes. I kiss you and lick the tear off your cheek and you push me away saying “Gross”. I laugh and kiss you and my beautiful princess again.

And then we have a son, and we have a family that everyone envies. Our daughter’s first words, our son’s first baseball game. All the wins, losses, fights, kisses, quarrels, hugs all of them reminding us how gifted we are. Any more perfect and we would be Gods!!!Ā 

We grow old and one summer, I decide to take you on a fishing trip. Our children live in different cities, happily with their own families. I ask you to join me on the boat and you do and we talk and talk about everything in our lives. I manage to catch a pike (not really what I wanted), but you are still proud of me and we bring it back to the cabin. You cook it for me and after a scrumptious meal, we sit out on the porch watching the sunset and smoking our cigars and drinking fine wine, just the way we like it. I play an old retro song on the music player and ask you for a dance. We dance for a while all the time chuckling and making fun of each other. We sit down when we are exhausted. We talk about how we first met and our first dinner together, for the millionth time. Our children have always laughed at how big a dork I was, and it always amused me. I am very happy again and I hold your hand. We kiss. I say I wish to sleep in the chair for a while and you say you want to unpack for the night. I kiss you one more time, not realizing that would be the last time. I see that twinkle in your eyes again for one last time. I thank God for a perfect life and close my eyes. And I sleep peacefully, knowing that no man could have had a more perfect life than I. I am sad that I do not know if there is after life and if I would meet you again, but then I pray that there is no such thing, just to make sure that I do not give destiny even half a chance to take you away from me in another life.

When I love you this intensely, how do you think I could ever hate you, honey?

Now, I know none of the things I have mentioned above would ever happen. It probably shouldn’t as you deserve someone better than I. Better in all respects of life. And I know you will. I will see your wedding invite, I will be told of your first child and your second. I will only be happy for you, I will only fall in love with everything that enters your life. I may end up with someone else too, but I really hope I do not (even if I do, I will tell her she is my second love and will always remain so and it is her choice to stay or leave). Because I wish to prove to myself that I can live with one true love, whether reciprocated or not. If I truly love you, I should let you lead your happy life. You will be happy forever and I will love you the same way forever.

This is what I would have told her. But I know better. She does not wish to hear all this from me. Simply because, I am not that perfect partner for her and also because she is with someone else now. The most beautiful thing about being in love is, you realize how big a fool you are but you just cannot help it. So here I am waiting alone for her. Right now, all the dreams and ambitions of my life seem so small because I feel that I will never have her and nothing else seems to matter to me now. But I need to pick myself up, be a bigger person and bide time. Time is a great healer they say, let me test it. Because that is what she wants. And that is what I want for her too, she should live guilt-free, always smiling and bringing laughter into other people’s lives. But I will never cease to love her one bit lesser than I do right now. No matter who she is with, I will wait for that one day or one lifeĀ time when I can be with her. I always will

Stop trippin’ man! šŸ˜‰ (is what she would say)….