She is happy…

She is completely enamored by him. She told me that she had proposed marriage to him on their last trip half jokingly (5 days before I met her in her Dad’s hometown) and again they talked about in the past couple of days. They are now discussing it probably still in part humor but more seriously. 8 weeks ago she said she may never marry as she felt she was not ready for it. Now this. I feel so happy for her and him. He is THE luckiest person on earth, in my eyes. I however frown that she seems to be completely enamored by him doing things so out of character, but probably that’s what love does, but I still am yet to hear from her that he said things like this first (she would probably tell me now somethings that he said, but when you are mad about someone you sometimes over read into things, I am an expert on that :)).

I hope he would love her half as much as I do. That should last them 7 life times by itself.

I will not talk about what is going on in my mind. I realized that it is all meaningless now, to her at least. A fool’s thought and best left as is.

I still hope she takes her time to decide on such serious things and not let emotion rule too soon. She is such a fragile child (she is to me) and I would hate to see her shattered. He is probably extremely good, but I pray sincerely that he loves her till his last breath.

I will love her on my last breath and every breath until then…

P.S. My dear friend, if you are reading this, do remember your promise. The small pleasures I have left in my life…please do not deprive me of them.

Yesterday…Edited

Yesterday started off well with me texting her and she replying to my messages. But soon after, I had a drink and started to write emotional things again. She then said, ‘I know how you are feeling as I have been there myself’. For some reason whenever she says this I go into an emotional rage. It is like I do not believe she has ever been in my place, though she seems to think so. I had always believed that she had humored her ‘lost love’ but was never as intense as me. It is not right for me to judge her that way, but my own ego does not allow me to think without judging her. I need to change this attitude. As a result of my anger, I said things like ‘you know crap about how I feel. Slap yourself for me’ etc.

I would like to state here that, I have said this in the past to her as a joke a few times but never in my life would I ever lay a finger on her with hurtful intentions. I love her too much to even dare raise a hand against her. She has not been wrong with anything she said or did so far and never will be. It is all the demons in my brain that is making me say things. She is truly a pure heart and I love her for that. I would never lay a hurtful hand on her or any other woman ever.

I didn’t mean to get angry but it happens in a rush. And almost immediately I feel sorry for doing that. I did apologize to her and wrote her an email saying that I will never be emotional with her again. I will strive not to. She is too important for me to lose for such silly reasons.

I wish she really did understand my pain and grief. But anyway, this is part of life. I need to suck up. 🙂

I will love her  When I breathe my last and every breath until then…

My life is changing…

I have quite a few worries in my life currently. All of you know about my biggest source of happiness and sadness already. But other than her, I also have some other difficulties in my life. Right now, all of them are hitting me at the same time and I am being pushed to the ground real hard.

But I know that I can get up and walk again and I will. I am not made of weak parts. But my only worry for now is I do not see a meaning in any of this. Even if I do get up and walk again, so what. I believe I have only one thing to look forward to in my life and knowing that, it may never happen is deterring me from fighting back.

I need to change. I do not wish to go down. I want to fight back and stand up and I will.

I love her immensely.

The Journal of a wonderful trip…Continued

Day 3:

Continuing from where I left on. We sat next to each other and were talking for a while. And as our conversations proceeded I asked her a few questions or rather made a few assumptive statements that she answered.

Firstly, without me asking her, she said she loves me. This was a first. She has never said that before. I know she probably meant that she loved me in a platonic way. But whatever that was, I was still happy to hear it from her.

I then proceeded to say that, ‘I know you will not agree to being with me even if he is not around’ and she said ‘No, that’s not true”. I did not prod (I did not wish to hear explanations for the statement or the meaning – I am just being foolish), but I smiled within.

Then we talked some more and I asked ‘Would you really be happy, if I am with someone else.’ and she said, ‘I would surely be jealous of her for a while but would then be happy if you are happy’. I would make her jealous, means something to me. I did not prod on.

These three things made meaning to my life. Firstly, this told me that, deep down inside she does love me. Not just as a friend, but something a wee bit (wee, wee) more than that. This again means so much to me that I cannot express it with mere words.

I am still cognizant of the fact that she may never be with me as I am surely not good enough for her. Maybe I do not deserve her. Someone better does. But this makes me think that I am special to her in some way. At least, at this very moment.

After we spoke for a while, it was time for her to leave. 4 AM again. And I took a taxi with her to her dad’s place. In the car, I tried to hold her hand and she said she does not want to. She was still angry with me for saying those stupid things. She cares about me and probably thinks that if she is mean to me, I will get angry with her and turn away and leave her. Little does she know that all that will do is just break me. Nothing more. In any case, we reached her dad’s place and she reluctantly gave me a good bye hug, She told me she may not be able to see me the next day as they planned to have dinner with her father for his birthday. I got back in the care and arrived at my hotel broken. I could not sleep for a long time and when I did, I didn’t know. I woke up in under 3 hours with a huge anxiety complex and ran out of the hotel as I was suffocating. I walked for about 2 hours before I could settle down and returned to the hotel to take a shower. But I could not stay indoors any longer and left out again.

Day 4:

Single most important day of my life yet.

As I said earlier, I woke up with anxiety and could not be normal for a long time. I walked for a long long time before I could settle down. I moved from this hotel to another place of stay – a bigger nicer place and at almost 2/3 the price. I liked the place and invited her to come and look over (texted her), though I thought that she would say ‘I don’t think I can come down tonight’. In the evening I asked her for her plans and she said she is going out to buy some shoes. Of course I needed shoes too, didn’t I! I did plan to buy a pair of brown dress shoes and I decided today was the day. I offered to go to wherever they were going and I went there in the hopes of meeting them. I was asked to wait for a bit before we could meet up and after about 3 hours later ( of aimless walking around, slowly shopping for 3 stupid items) I was told they were back at their place. But she said she could come over for drinks later. Worth all the wait and some more. I was very very happy that instant. She said she will let me know once she is ready.

In the meantime, I found this monk sitting on one of the busy streets with a big chart in front of him with different years listed out. People pointed out their year of birth and he picked out a small booklet that had predictions for the year 2014. I chose her year and the year Mr.Perfect was born. I did not think of myself for that moment and I realized that only after I walked away from the place. I surprise myself sometimes. In any case, the monk suddenly offered me a band made of beads. I told myself that this was from her and took it 🙂

She did call me around 10.30 in the night, but my stupid phone was silent and I discovered that she had called a couple of times earlier.I eventually spoke to her and gave her directions to my place.

She arrived at around 12 AM. Until then I had been drinking the left over wine and went and bought a new one as she was coming. I wrote my blog ‘I made a mistake’ in the meantime and told myself that tonight I should maintain my distance and should ask her once, if I could hold her hands one more time. When she saw my place, she liked it. I had gotten her some small gifts and I gave it to her and she looked happy. I never get her expensive stuff and never expect anything from her. I only asked her for a wrist band that she herself had once promised me that she would get me. But I have been asking her about it so many times that I felt bad. Maybe she was going to feel that ‘Damn, why did I even tell him that I would get him one’. Anyway, I did get my band from ‘her’ through other ways as explained a little while earlier.

After the gifts opening, we opened the bottle of wine. She opened it nicely, as I usually spill or break the cork into many pieces if I do. We had one glass and sat as far apart as we could. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.She then moved over to the bed as she was feeling cold on the couch. We were talking about paddy farming (yes, really) and she challenged me that paddy can grow on sloped hills. I asked her to look it up on my iPad not releasing that it was still on the WordPress page and she read my ‘I made a mistake’ blog as I continued to drink and shake my head. She then asked me to sit next to her on the bed. I was reluctant this time, though I really wanted to. I did though, and I asked her if I could hold her hand. Her answer made me immensely happy and perplexed me. She then said a few words that I cannot share here, but will forever be etched in my heart. But this night was the best night of them all. Again, I reiterate that the train never reached the station – it was not meant to, does not deserve to. But I was still so immensely happy. A lot of things changed and I felt that she does love me more than what I thought. She just does not express it.

Of course I do understand that he is more important to her than me. She would never say it, but I know it. And that is the very reason why I have not tried to go all the way with her. I respect her feelings and I will try to stay down as much as possible. I wish her to be happy. And as I have stated so many times before I would do anything to keep her that way. It may make me sad, but she cannot be held ransom for my sadness. She is too important and precious to this world than I would ever be.

She then smoked a cigarette with me and let me take some pictures with her which I treasure so much. We then left for her place with no plans for the next day, when both of us were departing. I got my goodbye hug for the night and I went back to my room with a smile.

Day 5:

I decided to meet her parents and in the process meet her as well. I called her Mom in the morning and made plans to meet them later that day. I went to her place and she came down and smoked with me. We then went with her parents for a coffee and at the end of it I gave her parents small gifts each which made them smile. We then took happy family pictures and her Mom took down my contact details and promised to keep in touch. She and I went out to smoke again and walked around her apartment building. I thought of holding her hands but did not. It was time for me to leave and we came back to collect our bags from her parent’s place. Her Dad and Mom accompanied me to the bus stop and I so desperately wanted to hug and kiss her. I suddenly ‘remembered’ that I needed mint on my way back and asked her to go with me as her parents waited there. We went into a store and looked for some and could not find it and as we walked back I pulled her back and hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks. She said, ‘I knew it, I knew it’ and she was smiling. I was very happy. I didn’t stop and started walking back to where her parents were waiting, when she pulled me and gave me a kiss on my cheek (a wet one at that). Again, Heaven can go to Hell, I don’t care. This was way better than anything else. I was so happy that very instant and tried to record it in my mind. We then bid good bye to each other and I was instantly sad. I gave her Mom and Dad a hug each and hugged her as well in front of her parents and without turning back, boarded the bus to the airport. It was a long sad ride. She went out shopping for a ring with them as I left. I thought she was probably not as sad, but later I learnt she was.

I returned back o where I lived, drinking throughout my flight. Upon my return, I was waiting for her to touch down herself. In about 12 hours time, she messaged me before her flight wheels had even touched the ground (as I had requested that off her). I was chatting with her on her way back home from the airport and we exchanged some really sweet messages. I truly believed that she did love me more than I thought.

This was the end of my beautiful period. It saddens me to think that this may never happen. She would see him soon and be enamored by his awesomeness again. I would again become just a friend who was let off his leash for a while. I would not be anything more and that is probably what she wants. She wants me to be with someone else and be happy myself. How can I tell her that she is my life and anyone else seems so alien to me. How can I tell her that she makes the meaning of my life.

Anyway, I am just being an idiot. I should know my place. I only wish for her to be happy and I will try to hold back these feelings from her as much as possible. I hope she is forever happy. I will try my best to make her be that.

I love her immensely.

I will love her upon my last breath and every breath until then.

The journal of a wonderful trip…

If you have read my previous posts, you would have traveled with my in my traversals from a love struck idiot, to a depressed moron, to a self-appointed inspirational speaker, back to a love lorn fool and finally to an anxious lover waiting to see what would happen when I meet her again.

Well, I should say it was way more pleasant and beautiful than what I would have expected. Those 5 days I spent with her were the best days of my life yet (and I say ‘yet’, because should I be with her again, that would count too – but I will have no hopes). This is a short journal of those 5 beautiful days.

Day 1:

I was both excited and anxious when I boarded the plane to see her. The flight was short, but I drank at least 3 glasses of wine to keep myself from jumping up on the seat and doing something silly. I tried to watch a movie and this was the first time I watched an entire movie without remembering or hearing a single word of what was being spoken. I do not even remember what the movie was about or the title of the movie. I landed shortly after and when I exited the airport hopefully looked around to see if she would be waiting for me, though she did tell me the previous day that she would meet me later in the evening. When we were back at the place where we met, I asked her if she would come to see me at the airport, and she said ‘Yes, I will’. I very remotely hoped that was true, though I knew she would not even remember that she said it. In any case, I did not expect to see her there, but was just humoring my own expectations.

I boarded a train to the stop nearest to where I would be staying and I thought maybe she was going to surprise me there. I guess I love the fact that she never surprises me, she always plays the way I expect her to, almost always (almost). I checked into my hotel and called her Mom’s number as soon as I got a local number. I heard her voice again and was instantly happy. She didn’t sound resentful or angry that I was imposing on her (though this was a joint decision that I would meet her in her Dad’s hometown). I was happy for that. She said she would meet me in the evening and spend some time with me.

She came down to the hotel I was staying at, but I had gone out to wait for her near the nearest train exit, assuming that she would get off there. So when she called me I was further away from the hotel and came running back. As I did, I played through all the things I wanted to do to her as soon as I saw her. I wanted to clasp her face with my hands and hug her really tight and lift her up. Then I wanted smother kisses all over her face except her lips (because I am not allowed to). I wanted to hug her again until I could hear her back crack. But when I did see her, I just gave her a simple hug. I did not even tell her I missed her like hell. I was apprehensive as I did not want to upset her in any single way to spoil it for us. She hugged me too and smiled so sweetly. We went up to my room and put down her stuff from her shopping spree and went out for a walk and dinner. A bad dinner experience at that as I chose the worst sports bar ever to eat. We then headed back to the hotel and had some of the wine that I bought on my way back in and stayed a safe 5 feet away from her all the time. She was happy with him and told me about all the awesome things they did and the not so awesome tours they went on. I was happy for her and jealous of him as always.

She then said she needs to leave and left around 2 AM and I went back with her to drop her off at her Dad’s place in a taxi and I got my good bye hug.

Day 1 ended on a not so bad note. I was happy and could sleep properly again in a very long time.

Day 2:

She didn’t call in the morning and I asked her what her plans were for the day and she said they were planning to shop for some electronics and I instantly said I need to buy some stuff too. I really did want to buy a new iPad cover, but it was not like I needed it immediately. So I asked if I could go along too and she said I could join them if I wanted to. Stupid question gets a stupid answer. I said ‘Of course’. And that was when I met the two wonderful people who brought this angel to earth. Oh I loved them both the moment I met them, her Mom especially as she was a very affable person. We went around looking for some random stuff and I was with them all the time making small talk with her parents. We finished around early evening and proceeded to have a snack break and afterwards her parents left home and we had some time to spend together.

We decided to go to a Buddhist Temple that I thought was special and later realized was not the one I was looking for. It was atop a small hill and the taxi driver took us up and dropped us off at the steps to the temple. When we climbed up we realized that the place was closed. And what does she do…of course she finds a crevice in the wall to climb up! And of course I followed her.

So we ‘broke’ into the temple. I prayed as she walked around and took some pictures and then we escaped unscathed from the temple, though we were found to be interesting meat by some gnarling dogs. I loved the dogs though – as one of them approached she came up and held my hands. She is not really scared of most things but apparently untamed dogs unnerve her a bit. We walked down the hill, a nice walk for me though she was complaining as she had her heeled boots on. We reached the bottom of the hill and walked eastward towards a place where we assumed we could find a ride back and found a college for vocational education. And we entered it randomly and walked through the small campus and went up the building and used the rest rooms (that was not the intention actually) and then came back down and left the place. We eventually found our way back and took a train to my place and walked back to the hotel.

Now the interesting part begins. We had a couple of drinks and I wanted to give her a foot massage. I love to massage her as I love massages myself.  Massages are like kisses. When you do it with the right person, both giving and receiving are both pleasurable. She usually would refuse but she did not that day. And I was happy and soon one thing led to another and we were fooling around again, though I know my limits. So dear reader, your imagination should be restricted to one stop before the train reaches its destination. In any case, I was happy that she was too. I could hold her again and I did kiss her on her cheeks again after such a long time and it felt blissfully wonderful. I was so happy that night. I felt life coming back to me, though I knew that this was just a short lived pleasure. She told me that her Mom that I was the best looking Indian she had met and that made me smile. I have never thought I was good looking and I simply assumed her Mom had not met any Indians in her life 🙂

She had to leave soon and so we did leave around 4 AM, 2 hours later than the previous day. Not a good sign with her parents.

I dropped her off at her place and got my second hug for the day as always. I smiled on my ride back recounting the events of the day.

Day 3:

I was alone throughout the day as she was busy with some stuff back home. I was hoping that she was not angry as she was late the previous night. She wasn’t. She was due to meet her cousins for dinner at another small town and stopped at my hotel for quick smoke. I asked her if I could go with her and she said yes. I offered to stay until she finished dinner and she agreed. On the train ride, we were talking about random things like we always used to and both of us were tired. I wanted to close my eyes and lay my head on her shoulders or at least wanted her to do the same. I tried to once, but was not sure if she was comfortable so moved away. On so many occasions I tried to hold her hands and she responded but beyond that I did not try anything else. But eventually she did lay her head on my shoulders and slept and God that was heavenly. Of course I remained so stoic as if nothing abnormal happened. But I should tell you that, that was the single most Godly moment of my life. Not even touching her in any other place or form can come close to that feeling. I slowly receded myself and slanted my head on hers. I wish I could have died that instant. I am sure Heaven would have given me lesser happiness.(Now as I write this, I am afraid that I may never have the opportunity again. She sometimes reads my posts and has the habit of acting intelligent with me after refraining from giving me even the smallest of pleasures like this. I am not really a bad guy, but when she tries to act smart this way I feel so bad about myself).

We eventually reached her rendezvous point and she met up with her cousins and I left to walk around town and amuse myself. I should say that I amaze myself with my patience for her. I am generally instantly bored and move from one place to another for no reason. Yet I could spend almost 3 hours doing practically nothing but wait for her. I tried to get a back massage, video games (really! video games at an arcade!) and smoking and a quick dinner. Though I should say that I did do it with all the interest I could muster at that time and I did muster a lot. She eventually returned and I did not ask her if she was going back to my place as I did not want to hear an emphatic ‘No’. Little did I know that she wanted to be with me as well. She went down with me and we had a couple of drinks and the ‘usual’ followed (nope still not what you think!). Though this time I told her some stupid things. I told her that if I ever decided to disappear from her life she should not feel sad for me or look for me. I wanted to tell her that I would run off to some island and never reach out to her. But she knew what I was saying and was instantly angry. She got off the bed and came back dressed up and slanted her head on my shoulders and made me promise that I should never kill myself. I kind of promised her. Though I still feel that, that may be the only promise I may possibly break. Then she told me three beautiful things. Three most beautiful things in the history of mankind.

But that is for another day. I promise to write this tomorrow.

I miss her immensely now. Her man has her now. I feel so damn jealous. But I am happy that she is happy. I want her to be happy and smile always. I would die for it, any instant of my life.

I love her so very much and I have no superlatives to express that.

She is Zhenimisic. I wish she never sees sorrow in her life.

I will love her to my last breath and every breath until then.

She is beautiful…

She said all the right things yesterday. She is the most beautiful thing on earth. I love her so very much. Wish there was a word that I could say to impress upon this. I could not think of any, so…

She is zhenamisic. A new word I created.

Zhenamisic: Being unparalleled. Usually used to describe a person of unmatched qualities. Origin: Derived from the name of the most beautiful, talented, lovable, intelligent woman to have ever been born.

I am completely twitterpated by her. But I will hold back my feelings for her. She is happy with him now and I am happy for her.

Long live true love.

Edits:

I thought I should add acknowledgements to two people for contributing to this post (without them being aware that they did) –

1. She (my most precious treasure on earth) – she was the one, who suggested that I should probably create my own word if I have the need to express something

2. Ms.Darling from the ‘The Sir Letters’ for the word ‘Twitterpated’ – the couple share a romance that is better than all the epics in the world. I wish them both a long life, possibly together.