I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore.
I used to text her a couple of times a day, only during her work week, because she does not want Him to think that she is a close friend of mine. As he would be jealous and mistake her intentions. I understand that and I respect that and hence I only text her platonic messages (Wish her in the morning and evening, and ask how things are in general). Of late I saw that she does not even read those messages sometimes.
I do not mean to be a blotch in her otherwise perfect life, I do not wish to be an “illegal friend with evil intentions” in his eyes and that feeling making her think apprehensively about me being in contact with her. I am not trying anything here. I just want to be a simple friend, a close friend, a confidante. I do not wish to share what we exchanged over messages the last time we texted. But it was surely saddening for me. I sometimes think that, she believes if she ignores me, I will go away and move on. I can never EVER stop thinking about her. If I lose my right to stay in touch with her, NOTHING is going to change in my mind. I will only miss reaching out to her. That’s it. Period. By now she should have realised, I am not a person who says things just to sound melodramatic. I mean every word I say.
I am at a loss of adjectives and allegorical statements to state how much I love her. My brain already realises that I may not be ‘right’ for her, but my heart has not reached that acceptance. It may never. But I will never disturb her, I will never want to make her feel uncomfortable. I do not know how I can make her understand this. The only way I could think of is to remain silent forever. I don’t know if I can. But I must surely try.Every night, she goes to sleep knowing that the most amazing man in her life, lies next to her. She has his full undulated love and I like to picture, that she gently rubs the back of her hand against his cheeks and smiles before she closes her eyes into deep slumber. Every morning when she wakes up, she would know right next to her is the man who will keep her happy for a lifetime and maybe more. Everyday she meets people, she would greet them with a smile and an infectious smile at that. Her eyebrows would go up and together as she bends down laughing at someone’s joke. The left dimple (which is deeper than her right) would make many hearts skip a beat and would only be seen when she laughs her beautiful laughter. There is a very small inconspicuous, “(” shaped wrinkle on the top right corner of her mouth – I call it the smile wrinkle – and it gets deeper and deeper everyday as she smiles more. I will not disrupt this beautiful harmony that she has in her life with my pathetic longing for her. I will do anything to keep it that way. I am tired of hearing, ‘You should be happy yourself’, “You need to define your own happiness’, ‘There is someone better out there, who needs my love’ etc. I have heard this from people who matter to me and from her. I will genuinely try to be happy. But I don’t know what that word means anymore and in a few more days I am confident that I will be numb enough to not be able to tell what is happiness and sadness. That I believe is a higher state than anything else in this world. That is close to enlightenment and I guess I would be ‘happy’ when I reach there. Ha ha… I will never be able to love another person as much as I love her and I will probably remain celibate for the rest of my life as well. I do not care. I am not trying to making myself sound like a saint. I am a very simple person, whose only “talent” is probably to love someone unabated. It is not a bad thing, I hope. Hope is all I’ve got. So tell me, my love. What should I do. Think of yourself first as you should know that is more important to me. Do not push yourself for me anytime. I do not wish for you to. If you wish to clean up your life off the last little worry, I will help you. I would love to stay in touch always and listen you out anytime you are down. But if you find that unnerving I do not wish to be there. I will always wait for the day you will reach out to me to talk to me. I will turn up at your doorstep in 48 hours if you so wish to see me. No matter what happens. But for now, if you wish to be left in peace, I will. It would unimaginably hurt, but I will still do it. Also, remember your promises 🙂 I will love her when I breathe my last, and with every breath until then. P.S. In my first post on this site, I described about a mole just above her left upper lip. I think I am losing my sense of ‘right and left’ as well. Ha ha. It is on her right side. Just realized that when I corrected this post on the location of the deeper dimple 🙂 See I smile when I talk about her and think about her. This I guess is happiness. No one, no awesome guy, no God, can ever take this ‘happiness’ away from me. 🙂 🙂 How great is that!