Tell me, my love…

I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore.

I used to text her a couple of times a day, only during her work week, because she does not want Him to think that she is a close friend of mine. As he would be jealous and mistake her intentions. I understand that and I respect that and hence I only text her platonic messages (Wish her in the morning and evening, and ask how things are in general). Of late I saw that she does not even read those messages sometimes.

I do not mean to be a blotch in her otherwise perfect life, I do not wish to be an “illegal friend with evil intentions” in his eyes and that feeling making her think apprehensively about me being in contact with her. I am not trying anything here. I just want to be a simple friend, a close friend, a confidante. I do not wish to share what we exchanged over messages the last time we texted. But it was surely saddening for me. I sometimes think that, she believes if she ignores me, I will go away and move on. I can never EVER stop thinking about her. If I lose my right to stay in touch with her, NOTHING is going to change in my mind. I will only miss reaching out to her. That’s it. Period. By now she should have realised, I am not a person who says things just to sound melodramatic. I mean every word I say.

I am at a loss of adjectives and allegorical statements to state how much I love her. My brain already realises that I may not be ‘right’ for her, but my heart has not reached that acceptance. It may never. But I will never disturb her, I will never want to make her feel uncomfortable. I do not know how I can make her understand this. The only way I could think of is to remain silent forever. I don’t know if I can. But I must surely try.

Every night, she goes to sleep knowing that the most amazing man in her life, lies next to her. She has his full undulated love and I like to picture, that she gently rubs the back of her hand against his cheeks and smiles before she closes her eyes into deep slumber. Every morning when she wakes up, she would know right next to her is the man who will keep her happy for a lifetime and maybe more. Everyday she meets people, she would greet them with a smile and an infectious smile at that. Her eyebrows would go up and together as she bends down laughing at someone’s joke. The left dimple (which is deeper than her right) would make many hearts skip a beat and would only be seen when she laughs her beautiful laughter. There is a very small inconspicuous, “(” shaped wrinkle on the top right corner of her mouth – I call it the smile wrinkle – and ย it gets deeper and deeper everyday as she smiles more. I will not disrupt this beautiful harmony that she has in her life with my pathetic longing for her. I will do anything to keep it that way.
I am tired of hearing, ‘You should be happy yourself’, “You need to define your own happiness’, ‘There is someone better out there, who needs my love’ etc. I have heard this from people who matter to me and from her. I will genuinely try to be happy. But I don’t know what that word means anymore and in a few more days I am confident that I will be numb enough to not be able to tell what is happiness and sadness. That I believe is a higher state than anything else in this world. That is close to enlightenment and I guess I would be ‘happy’ when I reach there. Ha ha…
I will never be able to love another person as much as I love her and I will probably remain celibate for the rest of my life as well. I do not care. I am not trying to making myself sound like a saint. I am a very simple person, whose only “talent” is probably to love someone unabated. It is not a bad thing, I hope. Hope is all I’ve got.
So tell me, my love. What should I do. Think of yourself first as you should know that is more important to me. Do not push yourself for me anytime. I do not wish for you to. If you wish to clean up your life off the last little worry, I will help you. I would love to stay in touch always and listen you out anytime you are down. But if you find that unnerving I do not wish to be there. I will always wait for the day you will reach out to me to talk to me. I will turn up at your doorstep in 48 hours if you so wish to see me. No matter what happens. But for now, if you wish to be left in peace, I will. It would unimaginably hurt, but I will still do it. Also, remember your promisesย ๐Ÿ™‚ย 
I will love her when I breathe my last, and with every breath until then.
P.S. In my first post on this site, I described about a mole just above her left upper lip. I think I am losing my sense of ‘right and left’ as well. Ha ha. It is on her right side. Just realized that when I corrected this post on the location of the deeper dimple ๐Ÿ™‚ See I smile when I talk about her and think about her. This I guess is happiness. No one, no awesome guy, no God, can ever take this ‘happiness’ away from me. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ How great is that!

5 thoughts on “Tell me, my love…

  1. BP, no one can help who they fall in love with. What one can control however is their behaviour that is a result of that love. What I quite simply mean here is do not do something that you would frown upon if you saw another do the same thing.

    I can see you’re trying hard to deal with your emotions, it is not an easy thing to do. The starting point for this though is your own self respect. When I hear you say “that I am not good enough for her” I cringe. You are selling yourself short and putting her needs ahead of your own.

    The reasons that she doesn’t read or respond to your texts is most likely irrelevant. Darling once said an incredibly insightful thing to me. “You put me first and I put you first, therefore neither of us has to come second.” You are putting her first, yourself second and I fear she has you placed at third behind him and behind her. That is not healthy place for you to be.

    You can’t fight how you feel but you can very much control how you act and what you do. BP I implore you to behave with self respect, you deserve it. If she acknowledges it or if she doesn’t will matter not a jot. You will be able to hold your head high, look squarely at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are your own man.


    • That comment made me smile Dear Sir. Yes, that is simply what I intend to do. As I have mentioned, I am simply trying to be platonic, but she is rightfully paranoid about him ‘finding out’. I respect that. That speaks volumes about her character. I am putting it in so many words but what you said is what I am working toward. I hope I will reach there someday.

      Again, thanks to you and Ms.Darling for all your kind words. I love you two. I hope I get a chance to meet you two in my life.

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