I have been writing this blog more frequently than I have done anything else in the past couple of months. And as I read through the posts myself, I realized that while I sound like a romantic idiot in most of the cases, I also sound like a person who seems to have little to no confidence about oneself. This struck me more emphatically when two people who I idolize in the virtual world insinuated this, in however not so many words.
I wanted to introspect and tell myself and anyone who cares to read this post about what I am really thinking. I love her like I have loved no one else in my life. I would do anything for her and she knows that too. But beyond all this, I am very confident, self-righteous person. I hate self pity and would never feel sorry for myself, at least not for too long. I have always believed that I can do almost anything in the world, but would generally shy away from it if I thought it was not something I considered important.
I say many self-deprecating things often in what may seem like false humility, but I do that only to tell my own sub-conscious mind to not think too much about myself. I also love doing things for the sake of other people, I love seeing them smile as that makes me very happy. I wish to be loved for being a simple approachable person, rather than a conceited, vain over-achiever.
Even now, there is definitely a sadness and grief in my heart, as I believe I cannot be with her. But if, in this world or next, she does decide to be with me, I am quite positive that I can hold myself up with pride. I never wanted her to feel sorry for me and take me in. She should be with me because she considers me a good enough person to be with and more importantly because I would love her like no one else.
I am sure she knows this, but like always she would not show this. I wish she did, though.
I have gone through a very bad phase in my life over the last year. VERY. I always tell myself that not many would have even made it this far. Even at this very moment, I have so many issues to address, but I am sitting here writing this blog with utmost confidence that I can walk through all that unscathed. The only thing I would really miss is, her. But I have promised her that I would never bother her with these thoughts of mine again. I have always kept my promises with her and she knows it. Even the smallest of ones.
I have also thought about what was said about my unhappiness reflecting on her and the world ending up with two unhappy people. I want to say that she is an amazing person who knows how to keep herself happy, no matter what. Least of all in my case, she would probably be a wee bit sad for a few minutes before she would do things to cheer herself up and become a happy person again. It is not that I am not important to her as a friend, but she knows quite well the knack to change herself easily. She is a very deep person, deeper than so many others I have met, but she also has this uncanny ability to lighten herself up. If it was something to do with him, I would be very worried as I am not sure how she would react (which is the only thing that makes me worry about her), but for me or most others in her life, she knows how to handle things. I write this with a heart full of pride at her gift and nothing else. I swear upon her.
I love her immensely and would do so forever. I do not believe that makes me a weak person, it only shows how strong in will and action I am.
I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath until then…