Of love and happiness….

I wrote a really long post pouring out all the thoughts – negative and positive – I had in my mind. But I deleted it and mailed the content to myself. I will never be able to share it with anyone and it is best that it gets buried with me.

We were talking about what happened back at my home yesterday and eventually the conversation panned to other subjects including our relationship. Some words were said that struck me deeply. But I did not express much as I knew how she formed those thoughts and there was no point in explaining anything to her anymore. But I did tell her a few things and then changed subjects.

Anyway, she said some nice things about me to make me feel good about myself. Not that I did, but I do love hearing nice things about me from her. Thanks to her for her kind words.

I told her that I only want to be the next best friend she has in her life, after him. She promised me that I would be that. I hope she keeps this promise. At least this one single promise.

I am trying my best to change my mind and be with other friends. I am even counselling others for their problems (I am usually a good listener who does not dispense free advice, but provides perspectives and suggestions) and some of them have thanked me profusely for helping them. Brings a smile to my face. A rare one these days.

I am editing this portion again and holding back my thoughts. I was a very happy person a while ago, things happened and I am fighting back. I hope to be happy again, even if there is a little bit of lingering sadness.

She is blissfully happy. I want her to stay that way. As long as she is in touch with me forever and regards me as her closest friend I am happy.

I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath I take, until then.

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6 thoughts on “Of love and happiness….

    • Thank you kind Sir for your words. Yes I am trying to be true to myself. I want to be happy purely because I know that will put her mind to peace.

      I want to act like a true friend with her so that I do not lose touch with her ever though I have been advised by many to shun all communication so that I will not feel hurt. But I believe I will miss her terribly if I do not stay in touch with her.

      • I echo Sir’s sentiment of staying true to yourself. It hardly seems fair for her to find love and happiness while you quietly pine for her. You may miss out on someone wonderful who might come your way. Keep that in mind.

        We recorded a second audio of ourselves. And just so you know it is still very much me reading (Haha).

        ~Darling

        • Hello Ms. Darling,

          Thank you for your kind words. Yes, angry thoughts have crossed my mind on why she was being so unfair to me. She is judging me on traits that I could not develop given my country of origin and my lack of exposure to those things. There were other factors that I could not help either. But I promised her that I would do everything she likes and love it myself as I have always wanted to do them as well but never found a channel. But anyway yes, it is not fair. But I can do nothing about it. I still cannot bring myself to hate her, I only feel hurt.

          But I would like to know what ‘being true to myself’ means. I am true to myself and it only tells me that I cannot look at another girl. But I am trying to change, I want to find love and happiness as well. I wish I could find someone who truly, madly, deeply loves me (pardon the allegory to the song).

          On the other hand, I think I am too full of myself (like she once said playfully). I think I am all powerful and that I should wait for her to come back. What if he breaks her heart, she would have no one to be with her for a while. I want to be there for her. This is what my heart says, but my brain tells me that she would be happy in any situation and she is more mature than I am in taking care of herself.

          I am torn in my thoughts.

          Yours truly
          BP

          • Hi BP

            What I mean by ” staying true to yourself” is don’t compromise your morals, ethics, beliefs and even wants and needs to try and make someone else happy. It will end up being shallow and superficial and there will ultimately just be two unhappy people and not one.

            You have to put your desires at least on the same level as hers. I know you think that doing everything she wants is the best way forward but if you are lucky enough to form a relationship with her it will not be one of equals and may very well sour in the end because you have empowered her and given her a sense of entitlement which she is not deserving to have. It will be quite unhealthy if you are seeking a long term commitment.

            Regards
            Sir

            • Dear Sir,

              I understand what you and Ms.Darling are saying here. But there is something you do not know about her – she is a very smart, very intelligent girl who knows how to keep herself happy despite what happens around her. I am saying this in the most proud manner possible as her friend. She knows exactly what she wants and even if something bad happens, she knows how to walk away from it with possible scars but no scathing wounds. Actually sometimes I do worry about her hurting herself and then when I look back at her I know she would not be hurt for long and would bounce back. She is zhenimisic in that way. So for the first part I do not think there would be two unhappy people.

              For the second part, while I understand what you are saying, I also would like to say that I am not really feeling sorry for myself or lessening my own level though my words always express that. I am a very proud person myself and I would never let myself down in front of others. But I love to do things for others to make them happy. I always speak lesser about myself in a little false self-deprecation just so that my sub-conscious does not make me a self-conceited person. So even if (in another world, another time) I am with her, I am sure that I would be able to hold my place.

              But I really appreciate the thoughtfulness. Like I have said before I seem to be painting a very sorry picture. I will try to change this.

              I will love her forever, but that does not mean I am a weak person 🙂 and I am quite positive you know that.

              Regards,
              BP

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