Yesterday started off well with me texting her and she replying to my messages. But soon after, I had a drink and started to write emotional things again. She then said, ‘I know how you are feeling as I have been there myself’. For some reason whenever she says this I go into an emotional rage. It is like I do not believe she has ever been in my place, though she seems to think so. I had always believed that she had humored her ‘lost love’ but was never as intense as me. It is not right for me to judge her that way, but my own ego does not allow me to think without judging her. I need to change this attitude. As a result of my anger, I said things like ‘you know crap about how I feel. Slap yourself for me’ etc.
I would like to state here that, I have said this in the past to her as a joke a few times but never in my life would I ever lay a finger on her with hurtful intentions. I love her too much to even dare raise a hand against her. She has not been wrong with anything she said or did so far and never will be. It is all the demons in my brain that is making me say things. She is truly a pure heart and I love her for that. I would never lay a hurtful hand on her or any other woman ever.
I didn’t mean to get angry but it happens in a rush. And almost immediately I feel sorry for doing that. I did apologize to her and wrote her an email saying that I will never be emotional with her again. I will strive not to. She is too important for me to lose for such silly reasons.
I wish she really did understand my pain and grief. But anyway, this is part of life. I need to suck up. 🙂
I will love her When I breathe my last and every breath until then…