Continuing from where I left on. We sat next to each other and were talking for a while. And as our conversations proceeded I asked her a few questions or rather made a few assumptive statements that she answered.
Firstly, without me asking her, she said she loves me. This was a first. She has never said that before. I know she probably meant that she loved me in a platonic way. But whatever that was, I was still happy to hear it from her.
I then proceeded to say that, ‘I know you will not agree to being with me even if he is not around’ and she said ‘No, that’s not true”. I did not prod (I did not wish to hear explanations for the statement or the meaning – I am just being foolish), but I smiled within.
Then we talked some more and I asked ‘Would you really be happy, if I am with someone else.’ and she said, ‘I would surely be jealous of her for a while but would then be happy if you are happy’. I would make her jealous, means something to me. I did not prod on.
These three things made meaning to my life. Firstly, this told me that, deep down inside she does love me. Not just as a friend, but something a wee bit (wee, wee) more than that. This again means so much to me that I cannot express it with mere words.
I am still cognizant of the fact that she may never be with me as I am surely not good enough for her. Maybe I do not deserve her. Someone better does. But this makes me think that I am special to her in some way. At least, at this very moment.
After we spoke for a while, it was time for her to leave. 4 AM again. And I took a taxi with her to her dad’s place. In the car, I tried to hold her hand and she said she does not want to. She was still angry with me for saying those stupid things. She cares about me and probably thinks that if she is mean to me, I will get angry with her and turn away and leave her. Little does she know that all that will do is just break me. Nothing more. In any case, we reached her dad’s place and she reluctantly gave me a good bye hug, She told me she may not be able to see me the next day as they planned to have dinner with her father for his birthday. I got back in the care and arrived at my hotel broken. I could not sleep for a long time and when I did, I didn’t know. I woke up in under 3 hours with a huge anxiety complex and ran out of the hotel as I was suffocating. I walked for about 2 hours before I could settle down and returned to the hotel to take a shower. But I could not stay indoors any longer and left out again.
Single most important day of my life yet.
As I said earlier, I woke up with anxiety and could not be normal for a long time. I walked for a long long time before I could settle down. I moved from this hotel to another place of stay – a bigger nicer place and at almost 2/3 the price. I liked the place and invited her to come and look over (texted her), though I thought that she would say ‘I don’t think I can come down tonight’. In the evening I asked her for her plans and she said she is going out to buy some shoes. Of course I needed shoes too, didn’t I! I did plan to buy a pair of brown dress shoes and I decided today was the day. I offered to go to wherever they were going and I went there in the hopes of meeting them. I was asked to wait for a bit before we could meet up and after about 3 hours later ( of aimless walking around, slowly shopping for 3 stupid items) I was told they were back at their place. But she said she could come over for drinks later. Worth all the wait and some more. I was very very happy that instant. She said she will let me know once she is ready.
In the meantime, I found this monk sitting on one of the busy streets with a big chart in front of him with different years listed out. People pointed out their year of birth and he picked out a small booklet that had predictions for the year 2014. I chose her year and the year Mr.Perfect was born. I did not think of myself for that moment and I realized that only after I walked away from the place. I surprise myself sometimes. In any case, the monk suddenly offered me a band made of beads. I told myself that this was from her and took it 🙂
She did call me around 10.30 in the night, but my stupid phone was silent and I discovered that she had called a couple of times earlier.I eventually spoke to her and gave her directions to my place.
She arrived at around 12 AM. Until then I had been drinking the left over wine and went and bought a new one as she was coming. I wrote my blog ‘I made a mistake’ in the meantime and told myself that tonight I should maintain my distance and should ask her once, if I could hold her hands one more time. When she saw my place, she liked it. I had gotten her some small gifts and I gave it to her and she looked happy. I never get her expensive stuff and never expect anything from her. I only asked her for a wrist band that she herself had once promised me that she would get me. But I have been asking her about it so many times that I felt bad. Maybe she was going to feel that ‘Damn, why did I even tell him that I would get him one’. Anyway, I did get my band from ‘her’ through other ways as explained a little while earlier.
After the gifts opening, we opened the bottle of wine. She opened it nicely, as I usually spill or break the cork into many pieces if I do. We had one glass and sat as far apart as we could. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.She then moved over to the bed as she was feeling cold on the couch. We were talking about paddy farming (yes, really) and she challenged me that paddy can grow on sloped hills. I asked her to look it up on my iPad not releasing that it was still on the WordPress page and she read my ‘I made a mistake’ blog as I continued to drink and shake my head. She then asked me to sit next to her on the bed. I was reluctant this time, though I really wanted to. I did though, and I asked her if I could hold her hand. Her answer made me immensely happy and perplexed me. She then said a few words that I cannot share here, but will forever be etched in my heart. But this night was the best night of them all. Again, I reiterate that the train never reached the station – it was not meant to, does not deserve to. But I was still so immensely happy. A lot of things changed and I felt that she does love me more than what I thought. She just does not express it.
Of course I do understand that he is more important to her than me. She would never say it, but I know it. And that is the very reason why I have not tried to go all the way with her. I respect her feelings and I will try to stay down as much as possible. I wish her to be happy. And as I have stated so many times before I would do anything to keep her that way. It may make me sad, but she cannot be held ransom for my sadness. She is too important and precious to this world than I would ever be.
She then smoked a cigarette with me and let me take some pictures with her which I treasure so much. We then left for her place with no plans for the next day, when both of us were departing. I got my goodbye hug for the night and I went back to my room with a smile.
I decided to meet her parents and in the process meet her as well. I called her Mom in the morning and made plans to meet them later that day. I went to her place and she came down and smoked with me. We then went with her parents for a coffee and at the end of it I gave her parents small gifts each which made them smile. We then took happy family pictures and her Mom took down my contact details and promised to keep in touch. She and I went out to smoke again and walked around her apartment building. I thought of holding her hands but did not. It was time for me to leave and we came back to collect our bags from her parent’s place. Her Dad and Mom accompanied me to the bus stop and I so desperately wanted to hug and kiss her. I suddenly ‘remembered’ that I needed mint on my way back and asked her to go with me as her parents waited there. We went into a store and looked for some and could not find it and as we walked back I pulled her back and hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks. She said, ‘I knew it, I knew it’ and she was smiling. I was very happy. I didn’t stop and started walking back to where her parents were waiting, when she pulled me and gave me a kiss on my cheek (a wet one at that). Again, Heaven can go to Hell, I don’t care. This was way better than anything else. I was so happy that very instant and tried to record it in my mind. We then bid good bye to each other and I was instantly sad. I gave her Mom and Dad a hug each and hugged her as well in front of her parents and without turning back, boarded the bus to the airport. It was a long sad ride. She went out shopping for a ring with them as I left. I thought she was probably not as sad, but later I learnt she was.
I returned back o where I lived, drinking throughout my flight. Upon my return, I was waiting for her to touch down herself. In about 12 hours time, she messaged me before her flight wheels had even touched the ground (as I had requested that off her). I was chatting with her on her way back home from the airport and we exchanged some really sweet messages. I truly believed that she did love me more than I thought.
This was the end of my beautiful period. It saddens me to think that this may never happen. She would see him soon and be enamored by his awesomeness again. I would again become just a friend who was let off his leash for a while. I would not be anything more and that is probably what she wants. She wants me to be with someone else and be happy myself. How can I tell her that she is my life and anyone else seems so alien to me. How can I tell her that she makes the meaning of my life.
Anyway, I am just being an idiot. I should know my place. I only wish for her to be happy and I will try to hold back these feelings from her as much as possible. I hope she is forever happy. I will try my best to make her be that.
I love her immensely.
I will love her upon my last breath and every breath until then.