Happy Birthday Jesus….

For the past couple of days I have been thinking about everything that has happened to me over the last few months. I wanted to take time before I blogged my thoughts. I did not wish to be impulsive again and write another ‘Knee-jerk’ blog. I have been through a lot of emotions in the past few months and as I look back at them objectively I can understand them better now. I wanted to write about these feelings and have also decided that it is about time I really came to terms with reality. I am a very level headed, open minded, rational thinker with enough common sense to understand and behave in a way that is regarded respectfully, while at the same time being capable of doing things in my own style. I have always believed this, though of late, my blog and my behavior in general would have suggested otherwise.

I met a very smart, beautiful girl with whom I shared a wonderful friendship. As she went through several feelings of her own, I journeyed with her and experienced some emotions that I have never before felt. I would like to quickly recount all that I have experienced in one paragraph and then move on to more realistic thoughts.

I met her in late June 2013. She came to me and offered to take me out for a dinner – a plain and simple working colleagues’ dinner. We talked after and then texted each other until we felt completely comfortable about each other. She was not in any relationship (per her own admission) and our friendship blossomed. We exchanged emails every single day and long emails they were at that. Eventually we understood enough about ourselves to appreciate each other. She eventually was asked out by someone and she wrote to me about how apprehensive she was about meeting him; I encouraged her to meet him and give him a chance. She did (not just because I asked her to, I know) and found that he was one amazing person. He truly is and I appreciate him for that. I turned up in her life again and we were physically close to each other again and shared many a moment together. She also was seeing him actively and eventually realized that he was one of the best individuals she has met in her life. But we continued to spend time with each other and she did like to be with me and share her thoughts with me. This was when I realized how she fulfilled my personal description of a perfect girl. I fell in love without me knowing, but I was too late (and way off her expectations of her ideal man). She was nice to me and I was nice to her. Period. She eventually told me that I should move on and she liked him more than anybody else in her life. I was not able to accept it for a long time and blamed myself for not being right for her.

Reality strikes. Sometimes it strikes you really hard.

I still love her. I do not wish to describe this with any more allegorical statements. Nor do I wish to define what kind of love this is. I know for a fact that I would continue to love her and would always be there for her anytime she needed me, no matter where I am or who I am with. I believe I would always want to be a friend who she trusts and believes can help her through thick and thin at any point in time of her life.

I have had several personal problems, with my family, friends and finances (funny that all of them should start with a ‘f’). But every single thought of my living moments were centered on her. I wanted her to think of me all the time too. I wanted her to miss me. I wanted her to love me.

I have now realized that this is not a realistic expectation.

She is a person who knows how to keep herself happy and I had discovered this through the several conversations that I had had with her. This is a rare trait that seldom exists in a person so young and I appreciate her for that. She is completely enamored by him and I am happy for her.

Coming back to what I think, I have come to terms with accepting her decision. If I truly loved her, I should only want her to be happy.  I did surprise myself on quite a few occasions. Before I describe the things that I surprised myself with, I want to talk about human emotions. I generally do not remember things that happen in my life vividly. I am notorious for my bad memory and my lack of responsibility when it comes to relationships. I am usually quite bad at maintaining new found friends as I would generally feel lazy about writing/calling or even responding to emails. I am generally a calm person who is quite forgiving. But when it comes to things that contribute to my happiness/sadness I am very serious. I thus expected myself to be angry and vengeful on quite a few occasions. I expected myself to be extremely disappointed; disappointed enough to destroy myself and thereby transfer some form of sadness and remorse to her. But there were several occasions when I surprised myself –

  • I was able to relate to someone in the span of 2 weeks – something that has happened never before
  • I was able to miss a person who I barely knew
  • I discovered that I was more romantic in my thoughts and expression than anyone I knew
  • I was more responsive and open than I have ever been with anyone, in my life before
  • I was able to realize that I truly loved someone and was willing to reduce my self-respect to say/do things that I would have not said/done for a quadrillion dollars in my bank account
  • I was never able to be truly angry or disappointed with her despite all that happened
  • On one occasion when I went to a Chinese astrologer, I ended up asking for predictions for her and him and not for myself – I have never done this before, not even for the closest of my friends (not that I believe in astrology, but I never felt the need to talk to God or any supernatural power about anyone else except myself)
  • I did not wish to do anything that I thought would make her feel bad, even when I was very down – I could never say/do anything that would hurt her
  •  I was able to recount almost all the intimate and serious conversations I have had with her – verbatim!

I have written myself two emails – one that is filled with the description of my ideal girl that she surprisingly fulfilled, and another with the list of wonderful statements she made (some cheeky, some loving, some caring…) and some lies/contradicting statements (which I believed were so, but decided never to question or challenge). If she ever wishes to read them, I will share it only with her. But I do not suppose she would want to know about all this as these are merely my thoughts and interpretations; surely not now.

After all this, after a lot of conversations with her, after several sessions of introspection, after a lot of drinks and cigarettes, after a lot of heart wrenching moments spent alone, I came to terms with what I was really feeling.

Here was a girl I met in my life. I had a wonderful time with her and will cherish those memories forever. I will eventually look back at all these moments throughout my life. But what do I really miss? What is it that is truly making me apprehensive? What is it that makes me feel like there is nothing to look forward to in my life, except her? The answer was; her presence.

I realized that more than anything else, I missed her being a part of my life. If she cannot be right next to me all the time, I would still be happy knowing that she thinks of me sometimes throughout her life. I wish to be in her memories always as a special person who she would miss. I believe if I can achieve that, my mind would be put to rest. I wish to be thought of as her most reliable, trustworthy companion next to whoever she chooses to be with. If I can be that, I believe I can be truly happy.

Like I mentioned earlier, I have had a roller coaster of emotions through the last few months. Ecstasy and sadness have gone hand in hand throughout this period and at one point in time I was not even sure which was which.

I truly wish to get beyond this stage. I wish to smile and make others smile. There have been so many people in my life who have thanked me for being a wonderful person and making their lives better. I am quite confident that I can get back to that stage. And I will. I am still a person with a lot of self-righteousness and confidence who believes he can achieve anything material in this world. As long as I truly intend to get at something material, I can surely get it. I have inspired a few people and I hope I continue to.

I have met a few wonderful people over the past few weeks and one of them, I can already feel would make a great friend for life. I will continue to love and cherish all the relationships I make in life. I would also want to watch out for her and be there for her, should she ever need my assistance, however small it may be.

I wish for her to be happy forever and I know I may be reduced to a mere memory in the corner of her mind that may never be jostled unless I turn up physically. But there is no way I can change that and I am not worried. I wish for her to live with no sadness or remorse about hurting me, that is my gift to her, I will try to never show how much I miss her. I know for a fact that I have been closer to her than most other people in her life, if only for a very short period. Beyond everything, she truly loved me for the person I am (as a friend, as a colleague, as a mere acquaintance, as a ‘whatever’) even when she was in a relationship. I am quite positive nobody in her past, present and future would ever reach that status.

Things that you do, see, watch or read sometimes stays fresh in your memory for a short time but with time dissipates. Even if she were to read this, it would stay in her mind for a short while and may fade away seconds after. But someday, maybe 20 years from now, she may think of me for one single instant before she says ‘Oh Well’ to herself and moves on. That defines how truthful I was with her. But I do wish she would talk about me to someone else close to her, maybe her kids and say that, here was a guy who is one great friend of mine. I hope you kids find someone like him in your lives for a friend for life. She once told me, nobody is powerful enough to control another person’s thoughts and emotions. I believe that for myself, but she does not understand that it may only be half true (hope, you understand what I mean, dear reader).

I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath until then. Again, I do not wish to label this love. Irrespective of whom I have a relationship; she will be special to me forever – more special than almost everyone else in my life. But this will be the last time I will write about this, for this is only for me to know – no one else would care and no one else may understand.

I love the moon, every time I look up at the moon, especially through the days I watch it grow into a beautiful full moon I will think of her. I will not say anymore.

P.S. This will be my last post about my feelings and thoughts for her (Phew! eh? I can almost hear her and a few others say this…ha ha). I will continue to use this blog, but hopefully to journal things that are happening in my life. I am sure she would appreciate this as well (and also I hope she would remember her promise to always tell me if she ever reads any post on this blog).

I am writing this on the day Jesus was born and hence the title. A God that she so strongly loved and believed in, a few years ago. There were instances when she thanked Jesus for the beautiful sunrise and all the beauty and serenity that she found in her surrounding environment. Unlucky God though; he is not believed nor loved by her anymore 😉

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Tell me, my love…

I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore.

I used to text her a couple of times a day, only during her work week, because she does not want Him to think that she is a close friend of mine. As he would be jealous and mistake her intentions. I understand that and I respect that and hence I only text her platonic messages (Wish her in the morning and evening, and ask how things are in general). Of late I saw that she does not even read those messages sometimes.

I do not mean to be a blotch in her otherwise perfect life, I do not wish to be an “illegal friend with evil intentions” in his eyes and that feeling making her think apprehensively about me being in contact with her. I am not trying anything here. I just want to be a simple friend, a close friend, a confidante. I do not wish to share what we exchanged over messages the last time we texted. But it was surely saddening for me. I sometimes think that, she believes if she ignores me, I will go away and move on. I can never EVER stop thinking about her. If I lose my right to stay in touch with her, NOTHING is going to change in my mind. I will only miss reaching out to her. That’s it. Period. By now she should have realised, I am not a person who says things just to sound melodramatic. I mean every word I say.

I am at a loss of adjectives and allegorical statements to state how much I love her. My brain already realises that I may not be ‘right’ for her, but my heart has not reached that acceptance. It may never. But I will never disturb her, I will never want to make her feel uncomfortable. I do not know how I can make her understand this. The only way I could think of is to remain silent forever. I don’t know if I can. But I must surely try.

Every night, she goes to sleep knowing that the most amazing man in her life, lies next to her. She has his full undulated love and I like to picture, that she gently rubs the back of her hand against his cheeks and smiles before she closes her eyes into deep slumber. Every morning when she wakes up, she would know right next to her is the man who will keep her happy for a lifetime and maybe more. Everyday she meets people, she would greet them with a smile and an infectious smile at that. Her eyebrows would go up and together as she bends down laughing at someone’s joke. The left dimple (which is deeper than her right) would make many hearts skip a beat and would only be seen when she laughs her beautiful laughter. There is a very small inconspicuous, “(” shaped wrinkle on the top right corner of her mouth – I call it the smile wrinkle – and  it gets deeper and deeper everyday as she smiles more. I will not disrupt this beautiful harmony that she has in her life with my pathetic longing for her. I will do anything to keep it that way.
I am tired of hearing, ‘You should be happy yourself’, “You need to define your own happiness’, ‘There is someone better out there, who needs my love’ etc. I have heard this from people who matter to me and from her. I will genuinely try to be happy. But I don’t know what that word means anymore and in a few more days I am confident that I will be numb enough to not be able to tell what is happiness and sadness. That I believe is a higher state than anything else in this world. That is close to enlightenment and I guess I would be ‘happy’ when I reach there. Ha ha…
I will never be able to love another person as much as I love her and I will probably remain celibate for the rest of my life as well. I do not care. I am not trying to making myself sound like a saint. I am a very simple person, whose only “talent” is probably to love someone unabated. It is not a bad thing, I hope. Hope is all I’ve got.
So tell me, my love. What should I do. Think of yourself first as you should know that is more important to me. Do not push yourself for me anytime. I do not wish for you to. If you wish to clean up your life off the last little worry, I will help you. I would love to stay in touch always and listen you out anytime you are down. But if you find that unnerving I do not wish to be there. I will always wait for the day you will reach out to me to talk to me. I will turn up at your doorstep in 48 hours if you so wish to see me. No matter what happens. But for now, if you wish to be left in peace, I will. It would unimaginably hurt, but I will still do it. Also, remember your promises 🙂 
 
I will love her when I breathe my last, and with every breath until then.
 
P.S. In my first post on this site, I described about a mole just above her left upper lip. I think I am losing my sense of ‘right and left’ as well. Ha ha. It is on her right side. Just realized that when I corrected this post on the location of the deeper dimple 🙂 See I smile when I talk about her and think about her. This I guess is happiness. No one, no awesome guy, no God, can ever take this ‘happiness’ away from me. 🙂 🙂 How great is that!

Against the Odds

Well, like I have always believed, here are two people who prove time and again that true love permeates through all obstacles and difficulties. The way the love is ‘realised’ could be different, but true love does exist and here is living proof.

The Sir Letters

My Love – My Dear Sir,

We both know that being together, at this time, is not an option. We have discussed the cliché “never say never” as well as having hope. If I ever get the chance to be in your arms again, I don’t think I could ever leave them. I know I wouldn’t want to. That thought actually frightens and exhilarates me at the same time

Realistically, I know how I feel about you. I also know that I would take the risk of being hurt again if the opportunity arises to be together once more. Also, if I were honest, I am still dealing with the past hurt. I am chipping away at the stone, and then you come along and whack it with a sledgehammer. The fact that you are wanting and willing to help me smash old baggage melts my heart.

I love you…

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Me…

I have been writing this blog more frequently than I have done anything else in the past couple of months. And as I read through the posts myself, I realized that while I sound like a romantic idiot in most of the cases, I also sound like a person who seems to have little to no confidence about oneself. This struck me more emphatically when two people who I idolize in the virtual world insinuated this, in however not so many words.

I wanted to introspect and tell myself and anyone who cares to read this post about what I am really thinking. I love her like I have loved no one else in my life. I would do anything for her and she knows that too. But beyond all this, I am very confident, self-righteous person. I hate self pity and would never feel sorry for myself, at least not for too long. I have always believed that I can do almost anything in the world, but would generally shy away from it if I thought it was not something I considered important.

I say many self-deprecating things often in what may seem like false humility, but I do that only to tell my own sub-conscious mind to not think too much about myself. I also love doing things for the sake of other people, I love seeing them smile as that makes me very happy. I wish to be loved for being a simple approachable person, rather than a conceited, vain over-achiever.

Even now, there is definitely a sadness and grief in my heart, as I believe I cannot be with her. But if, in this world or next, she does decide to be with me, I am quite positive that I can hold myself up with pride. I never wanted her to feel sorry for me and take me in. She should be with me because she considers me a good enough person to be with and more importantly because I would love her like no one else.

I am sure she knows this, but like always she would not show this. I wish she did, though.

I have gone through a very bad phase in my life over the last year. VERY. I always tell myself that not many would have even made it this far. Even at this very moment, I have so many issues to address, but I am sitting here writing this blog with utmost confidence that I can walk through all that unscathed. The only thing I would really miss is, her. But I have promised her that I would never bother her with these thoughts of mine again. I have always kept my promises with her and she knows it. Even the smallest of ones.

I have also thought about what was said about my unhappiness reflecting on her and the world ending up with two unhappy people. I want to say that she is an amazing person who knows how to keep herself happy, no matter what. Least of all in my case, she would probably be a wee bit sad for a few minutes before she would do things to cheer herself up and become a happy person again. It is not that I am not important to her as a friend, but she knows quite well the knack to change herself easily. She is a very deep person, deeper than so many others I have met, but she also has this uncanny ability to lighten herself up. If it was something to do with him, I would be very worried as I am not sure how she would react (which is the only thing that makes me worry about her), but for me or most others in her life, she knows how to handle things. I write this with a heart full of pride at her gift and nothing else. I swear upon her.

I love her immensely and would do so forever. I do not believe that makes me a weak person, it only shows how strong in will and action I am.

I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath until then…

Her eyes…

I was looking through some of her pictures and realized how beautiful her eyes are. I was never really a fan of big eyes and her eyes aren’t large. In fact her eyes are shaped like two little dolphins jumping over a small wave. So beautiful 🙂

Looking at her smile makes me so happy.:) You should see my face now, I am typing with a stupid smile.

I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath until then.

Of love and happiness….

I wrote a really long post pouring out all the thoughts – negative and positive – I had in my mind. But I deleted it and mailed the content to myself. I will never be able to share it with anyone and it is best that it gets buried with me.

We were talking about what happened back at my home yesterday and eventually the conversation panned to other subjects including our relationship. Some words were said that struck me deeply. But I did not express much as I knew how she formed those thoughts and there was no point in explaining anything to her anymore. But I did tell her a few things and then changed subjects.

Anyway, she said some nice things about me to make me feel good about myself. Not that I did, but I do love hearing nice things about me from her. Thanks to her for her kind words.

I told her that I only want to be the next best friend she has in her life, after him. She promised me that I would be that. I hope she keeps this promise. At least this one single promise.

I am trying my best to change my mind and be with other friends. I am even counselling others for their problems (I am usually a good listener who does not dispense free advice, but provides perspectives and suggestions) and some of them have thanked me profusely for helping them. Brings a smile to my face. A rare one these days.

I am editing this portion again and holding back my thoughts. I was a very happy person a while ago, things happened and I am fighting back. I hope to be happy again, even if there is a little bit of lingering sadness.

She is blissfully happy. I want her to stay that way. As long as she is in touch with me forever and regards me as her closest friend I am happy.

I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath I take, until then.

The breeze…

This is just an imaginative piece I wrote now. Nothing to do with me, hopefully –

I was walking alone, so full of confidence and righteousness and then a gentle breeze touched me. It swept inside me and took me by surprise. I enjoyed the feeling and I felt like I was on top of the world. Soon I realized the breeze would not stay with me for long. It found a better host, a host so simply great that I felt like a piece of mold that had grown on the side of the world’s most beautiful painting. The breeze decided to leave me and my own breath yearned to follow it. There is a belief in our parts that a man (or woman) holds the first gasp of air he breathes in his body until he dies and then lets it out and this is called the soul. Maybe the breeze can only be touched by my soul and I would give up on that too if I could be with it.

I will love her on my last breath and every breath until then…