For the past couple of days I have been thinking about everything that has happened to me over the last few months. I wanted to take time before I blogged my thoughts. I did not wish to be impulsive again and write another ‘Knee-jerk’ blog. I have been through a lot of emotions in the past few months and as I look back at them objectively I can understand them better now. I wanted to write about these feelings and have also decided that it is about time I really came to terms with reality. I am a very level headed, open minded, rational thinker with enough common sense to understand and behave in a way that is regarded respectfully, while at the same time being capable of doing things in my own style. I have always believed this, though of late, my blog and my behavior in general would have suggested otherwise.
I met a very smart, beautiful girl with whom I shared a wonderful friendship. As she went through several feelings of her own, I journeyed with her and experienced some emotions that I have never before felt. I would like to quickly recount all that I have experienced in one paragraph and then move on to more realistic thoughts.
I met her in late June 2013. She came to me and offered to take me out for a dinner – a plain and simple working colleagues’ dinner. We talked after and then texted each other until we felt completely comfortable about each other. She was not in any relationship (per her own admission) and our friendship blossomed. We exchanged emails every single day and long emails they were at that. Eventually we understood enough about ourselves to appreciate each other. She eventually was asked out by someone and she wrote to me about how apprehensive she was about meeting him; I encouraged her to meet him and give him a chance. She did (not just because I asked her to, I know) and found that he was one amazing person. He truly is and I appreciate him for that. I turned up in her life again and we were physically close to each other again and shared many a moment together. She also was seeing him actively and eventually realized that he was one of the best individuals she has met in her life. But we continued to spend time with each other and she did like to be with me and share her thoughts with me. This was when I realized how she fulfilled my personal description of a perfect girl. I fell in love without me knowing, but I was too late (and way off her expectations of her ideal man). She was nice to me and I was nice to her. Period. She eventually told me that I should move on and she liked him more than anybody else in her life. I was not able to accept it for a long time and blamed myself for not being right for her.
Reality strikes. Sometimes it strikes you really hard.
I still love her. I do not wish to describe this with any more allegorical statements. Nor do I wish to define what kind of love this is. I know for a fact that I would continue to love her and would always be there for her anytime she needed me, no matter where I am or who I am with. I believe I would always want to be a friend who she trusts and believes can help her through thick and thin at any point in time of her life.
I have had several personal problems, with my family, friends and finances (funny that all of them should start with a ‘f’). But every single thought of my living moments were centered on her. I wanted her to think of me all the time too. I wanted her to miss me. I wanted her to love me.
I have now realized that this is not a realistic expectation.
She is a person who knows how to keep herself happy and I had discovered this through the several conversations that I had had with her. This is a rare trait that seldom exists in a person so young and I appreciate her for that. She is completely enamored by him and I am happy for her.
Coming back to what I think, I have come to terms with accepting her decision. If I truly loved her, I should only want her to be happy. I did surprise myself on quite a few occasions. Before I describe the things that I surprised myself with, I want to talk about human emotions. I generally do not remember things that happen in my life vividly. I am notorious for my bad memory and my lack of responsibility when it comes to relationships. I am usually quite bad at maintaining new found friends as I would generally feel lazy about writing/calling or even responding to emails. I am generally a calm person who is quite forgiving. But when it comes to things that contribute to my happiness/sadness I am very serious. I thus expected myself to be angry and vengeful on quite a few occasions. I expected myself to be extremely disappointed; disappointed enough to destroy myself and thereby transfer some form of sadness and remorse to her. But there were several occasions when I surprised myself –
- I was able to relate to someone in the span of 2 weeks – something that has happened never before
- I was able to miss a person who I barely knew
- I discovered that I was more romantic in my thoughts and expression than anyone I knew
- I was more responsive and open than I have ever been with anyone, in my life before
- I was able to realize that I truly loved someone and was willing to reduce my self-respect to say/do things that I would have not said/done for a quadrillion dollars in my bank account
- I was never able to be truly angry or disappointed with her despite all that happened
- On one occasion when I went to a Chinese astrologer, I ended up asking for predictions for her and him and not for myself – I have never done this before, not even for the closest of my friends (not that I believe in astrology, but I never felt the need to talk to God or any supernatural power about anyone else except myself)
- I did not wish to do anything that I thought would make her feel bad, even when I was very down – I could never say/do anything that would hurt her
- I was able to recount almost all the intimate and serious conversations I have had with her – verbatim!
I have written myself two emails – one that is filled with the description of my ideal girl that she surprisingly fulfilled, and another with the list of wonderful statements she made (some cheeky, some loving, some caring…) and some lies/contradicting statements (which I believed were so, but decided never to question or challenge). If she ever wishes to read them, I will share it only with her. But I do not suppose she would want to know about all this as these are merely my thoughts and interpretations; surely not now.
After all this, after a lot of conversations with her, after several sessions of introspection, after a lot of drinks and cigarettes, after a lot of heart wrenching moments spent alone, I came to terms with what I was really feeling.
Here was a girl I met in my life. I had a wonderful time with her and will cherish those memories forever. I will eventually look back at all these moments throughout my life. But what do I really miss? What is it that is truly making me apprehensive? What is it that makes me feel like there is nothing to look forward to in my life, except her? The answer was; her presence.
I realized that more than anything else, I missed her being a part of my life. If she cannot be right next to me all the time, I would still be happy knowing that she thinks of me sometimes throughout her life. I wish to be in her memories always as a special person who she would miss. I believe if I can achieve that, my mind would be put to rest. I wish to be thought of as her most reliable, trustworthy companion next to whoever she chooses to be with. If I can be that, I believe I can be truly happy.
Like I mentioned earlier, I have had a roller coaster of emotions through the last few months. Ecstasy and sadness have gone hand in hand throughout this period and at one point in time I was not even sure which was which.
I truly wish to get beyond this stage. I wish to smile and make others smile. There have been so many people in my life who have thanked me for being a wonderful person and making their lives better. I am quite confident that I can get back to that stage. And I will. I am still a person with a lot of self-righteousness and confidence who believes he can achieve anything material in this world. As long as I truly intend to get at something material, I can surely get it. I have inspired a few people and I hope I continue to.
I have met a few wonderful people over the past few weeks and one of them, I can already feel would make a great friend for life. I will continue to love and cherish all the relationships I make in life. I would also want to watch out for her and be there for her, should she ever need my assistance, however small it may be.
I wish for her to be happy forever and I know I may be reduced to a mere memory in the corner of her mind that may never be jostled unless I turn up physically. But there is no way I can change that and I am not worried. I wish for her to live with no sadness or remorse about hurting me, that is my gift to her, I will try to never show how much I miss her. I know for a fact that I have been closer to her than most other people in her life, if only for a very short period. Beyond everything, she truly loved me for the person I am (as a friend, as a colleague, as a mere acquaintance, as a ‘whatever’) even when she was in a relationship. I am quite positive nobody in her past, present and future would ever reach that status.
Things that you do, see, watch or read sometimes stays fresh in your memory for a short time but with time dissipates. Even if she were to read this, it would stay in her mind for a short while and may fade away seconds after. But someday, maybe 20 years from now, she may think of me for one single instant before she says ‘Oh Well’ to herself and moves on. That defines how truthful I was with her. But I do wish she would talk about me to someone else close to her, maybe her kids and say that, here was a guy who is one great friend of mine. I hope you kids find someone like him in your lives for a friend for life. She once told me, nobody is powerful enough to control another person’s thoughts and emotions. I believe that for myself, but she does not understand that it may only be half true (hope, you understand what I mean, dear reader).
I will love her when I breathe my last and with every breath until then. Again, I do not wish to label this love. Irrespective of whom I have a relationship; she will be special to me forever – more special than almost everyone else in my life. But this will be the last time I will write about this, for this is only for me to know – no one else would care and no one else may understand.
I love the moon, every time I look up at the moon, especially through the days I watch it grow into a beautiful full moon I will think of her. I will not say anymore.
P.S. This will be my last post about my feelings and thoughts for her (Phew! eh? I can almost hear her and a few others say this…ha ha). I will continue to use this blog, but hopefully to journal things that are happening in my life. I am sure she would appreciate this as well (and also I hope she would remember her promise to always tell me if she ever reads any post on this blog).
I am writing this on the day Jesus was born and hence the title. A God that she so strongly loved and believed in, a few years ago. There were instances when she thanked Jesus for the beautiful sunrise and all the beauty and serenity that she found in her surrounding environment. Unlucky God though; he is not believed nor loved by her anymore 😉