Leaving the door ajar…

As every day dawns and the light creeps into my room

A darkness envelopes me

I wonder how would I go through this day

Memories return to haunt me

Words spoken resonate

But there are pleasant memories too

Beautiful words which expressed true love come back to me

Were they all lies

I wonder

I will need to bide time and wait

I wish to leave the door ajar for I do not know when the light would return…

The change…

For those of you who have been reading my blogs would have realized that I have been a very sad, depressed writer. I have been thinking about her for every living instant for the last 2 months and the intensity with which I have been thinking about her for the last 2 weeks is indescribable. But I love her too much to make myself eventually think badly about her for not being with me.

So what do I need to do.

I need to change myself. I need to have more positive thoughts. I do not wish for her to break up with her Mr.Perfect. I know she misses him too much, she has even changed some of her personality traits (she is a fiercely independent person who does not like people controlling her) to accommodate to his liking. So I would never want her to be unhappy even for a second. I would die to prevent that, if possible.

Thus, I have decided to stop telling her that I love her in the general sense of the word. I love her as a friend now and shall forever and I will continue to tell her that. I will also open myself up to other people, but I am not sure if I can love another person again, but I will allow myself to try. But if it does not work out, I will not be sad. Because forever I would have her in my heart. I believe that is all that is important. If I do fall for someone else, well good for me I guess. But I can never think of her as secondary. She would still be the most important person in my life, along with my belle, if at all 🙂

I will change. I will run, cycle, climb, attempt to swim and surf. All this for her sake as much as for mine. I just want to be the only friend she trusts the most in her life and depends on when she is down. That would make the happiest person on earth. I may never be the most important man in her life. But I sure want to be the next best, if at all.

I love her immensely. I will, to my grave.

P.S. By the way, talking about death and grave things does not mean this is a sob story or a depressed man’s words. Life is the biggest gift that every man has and whenever he puts it out on stake for something or someone, it only shows how important that thing/person is for him. That is the only reason why I talk about it.

There is a pleasant breeze…

There is a pleasant breeze here that reminds me, life is beautiful. Even if it hard on you, even if it feels cold, it is only because you experienced what warmth is…if not anything else, you should be thankful for that memory. After all life is all but a string of experiences and the memories around it.
– by a love struck me

I miss her very much. Everytime she tells me, its ok you will get over it I wish I could slap her. She takes life easy and knows how to make herself happy. But for me the whole world is her. Without her love everything else seems meaningless. I wrote the above at 4 AM in the morning on Nov 2013 and sent it to her. She didn’t flinch a bit. Not even an appreciation until I asked. But I guess, I am not that important. I wish there was a bit more fairness in this world. Why should one love so much and still know that he shan’t be loved back? Why can I not talk sense into myself? Why this denial?

But I know that she did like the quote, she sometimes holds back thinking that she is doing the ‘right’ thing by making me not feel too special, thereby ensuring that I don’t trigger wild thoughts of being together with her. I also know that she is a much deeper person than what she portrays to be. She has to do certain things to ensure that she is up with the crowd, though she would always deny it. And a handsome European boyfriend who can do multiple activities is definitely way better than an not so great looking South Asian guy. I would think so too.

Things like this were going through my mind. Yet I wrote the above quote to tell her, I am taking it easy.

Nobody can ever love her, more than I. But how do you quantify love. After all, that feeling is the most intangible element in the world that weighs more than the heaviest of metals on earth.

Funny isn’t it.

And then I thought…

I have returned back to where I work. I was with her for two months and those were the most amazing two months of my life time yet. She was with me the night before I left and we talked for a while about what I felt and all that had happened. She is still seeing the other guy and believes that she does love him. But she did say she loves me too, probably in a different way. I touched her again but of course I cannot make love to her or kiss her. I felt immensely sad when I had to leave and she was too. I wish I could have stayed on for a couple more days especially because I later learned that he was not going to be around for a couple of days. This would have meant that I could be with her for a while longer and talk more. But as unlucky as I am, I realized that too late.

My journey back to my work country was really long. Literally. I told her that I would call her when I reach my transit stop and I couldn’t wait to jump off the plane and call her. But she was fast asleep when I called her. I couldn’t speak to her. But I did hear her voice – voice mail – actually. That was enough to cheer me up a bit. The second leg of the journey was just as bad and as soon as I got off the plane tried calling her again. But I still could not reach her. This was killing me. But I was just being extremely silly. And I eventually did speak to her and it was amazing to hear her voice again. She was back on her feet, no longer that sad that I had left. She had enjoyed her camping trip and I was happy for her again.

It has been two days since I came back, but I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I am disturbed throughout the day with varying thoughts. I have disclosed my love for her with a couple of my close friends. They were surprised to hear this from me. But they wanted to know if I was serious about it and realized how serious I was. They are worried for me which I find extremely funny, as I believe for the first time in my life I have made the right choice.

Now, my career is in its own mid-life crisis. I need to figure out what I need to do over the next few years. I need to tell my parents that I am not ready to marry for the next couple of years (actually forever, but just to buy time for now). I need to set right a lot of things in my life. But the only thing occupying my mind right now is her. I need to know that I will have her. I will win this world and seven others when I do.

I am however worried about a few things. I keep talking to her about what I feel and the things that are going through my mind. I keep telling her how much I love her and how my world seems empty if I try to picture it without her. But I am worried that the more I talk about this she is going to feel uncomfortable and move further away from me. I also have this thought that, what if after she does say yes and becomes my lover, after a few years down the line, she feels that I may not be right for her and she wants to break-up. Would I be able to bear it? Note that, I never talk about breaking up with her myself, isn’t that funny? Actually at this very moment, I feel her in every single cell of my body and I refuse to believe that I could bring myself to not like her. But should that ever happen, I would still try my best to revive the relationship.

I promised to her that I will not talk about mushy stuff anymore. But I sometimes cannot help it. I want to tell her everything and want to look into her eyes as she realizes what I am saying. But I cannot.

I am very jealous of him right now. How perfect his life is. He has everything he needs in his life.

I wish I could bring myself to shout out my lungs and cry. Maybe that will make me feel better.

But that would make me lesser of man wouldn’t it? I do not believe that is true, but our world is made up of other people’s perspectives. Especially the ones we love.

I want to stand up again. I wish to change my mood.

I have started running again, I will get into climbing and eventually swimming in the sea and surfing. I will do all this as much for myself as it is for her. I will need to hide my emotions from her. She is happy with him and I should not rock her world. I will wait. I may eventually be heart broken, but I will wait for her. She would come back to me someday. I know it. If she does not, I will die knowing that I tried hard enough.

I will not share this post with her, but if she ever reads this, I would want her to tell me right away (immediately), because I want to tell her that everything I have said here is true and if she does tell me she read this, it means she respects me as a person and not just a love struck idiot.