I made a mistake…

The last two days with her here have been amazing. I was spending quality time with her and she has stayed for at least a couple of hours with me after hours to talk to me. The angel that she is. But yesterday after our usual ‘talks’ and a little bit of fooling around, i started talking stupid things. I told her that if I ever decide to ‘disappear’ she should notworry about me. While I know she would be sad for a while, I also know that she is a very smart girl and would know how to get out of it. Besides her Mr.Perfect would take care of jostling her out of it. But I should not have said that. Furstly she feels responsible for my current state of mind, which while partly being true is not entirely correct. I have so many other issues in my life, and the impatient idiot that I am, if I cant get immediate results I always think of quirky things. I would never do it (I think), but then there is no such thing as being ‘fool’ proof about anything. Fool’s hae n a azing talent to beat all expectations. I am a fool too. And I know that is what she is worries about.

Coming back to what I was saying, she was a bit upset with me and was adking me to promise her I wouldn’t do anything foolish. But how could I tell her that. I mean, if things go all over the place, some people do not have the proverbial testicles to handle it. I think my testicles are fine, but my brain wants immediate salvation and all this time, I have been vehemently fighting this feeling just so that I could talk to her and see her again. but I did proMise her eventually. 

I want her to be happy always, I would do anything for that. I will sit through her wedding and smile. I would pick her babies up and kiss them. I would hold her hands when she is sad – if she lets me. I would be there for her forever, in body if possible but surely in soul.

Since she left in an upset fashion, I could barely sleep and enclosed spaces now give me anxiety attacks. How beautiful is the human brain. Anyway, I spoke to her in the morning and after I heard her spritely voice again, I got much better.

how do I explain to her that all she needs to do is just be normal with me and I will conquer the world and lay it at her feet. How do I tell herthat I would never ‘depart’ because of her, but would be ready to so for he -any instant. How do I tell her that she is my world and I think of her eachliving instant – in wakefulness and sleep. How do I tell her that it is not her fault that I am mad about her, but my own as I am a deeply insane bastard.

I love her and her boyfriend and everything she loves.

I just want her to be happy and as promised I will truly try myself too.

I love you honey and hearing your voice and seeing your messages and e-mails mean more to me than water to a man stranded on a desert over 7 days.

God be kind. Keep her happy. Take everything you wishto give me if you want, but give her double of all happiness. If she ever is sad, I will personally slap your ass very very hard.

I will go back to being reticient again. Should be the wine.

p.s. Please pardon the typos as I am using my pad and a bit drunk. But with drunkness comes honesty 🙂 She said she will come back to stay for a bit today, hope I end my last few hours with her in this town well. Wish me luck.

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