And then I thought…

I have returned back to where I work. I was with her for two months and those were the most amazing two months of my life time yet. She was with me the night before I left and we talked for a while about what I felt and all that had happened. She is still seeing the other guy and believes that she does love him. But she did say she loves me too, probably in a different way. I touched her again but of course I cannot make love to her or kiss her. I felt immensely sad when I had to leave and she was too. I wish I could have stayed on for a couple more days especially because I later learned that he was not going to be around for a couple of days. This would have meant that I could be with her for a while longer and talk more. But as unlucky as I am, I realized that too late.

My journey back to my work country was really long. Literally. I told her that I would call her when I reach my transit stop and I couldn’t wait to jump off the plane and call her. But she was fast asleep when I called her. I couldn’t speak to her. But I did hear her voice – voice mail – actually. That was enough to cheer me up a bit. The second leg of the journey was just as bad and as soon as I got off the plane tried calling her again. But I still could not reach her. This was killing me. But I was just being extremely silly. And I eventually did speak to her and it was amazing to hear her voice again. She was back on her feet, no longer that sad that I had left. She had enjoyed her camping trip and I was happy for her again.

It has been two days since I came back, but I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I am disturbed throughout the day with varying thoughts. I have disclosed my love for her with a couple of my close friends. They were surprised to hear this from me. But they wanted to know if I was serious about it and realized how serious I was. They are worried for me which I find extremely funny, as I believe for the first time in my life I have made the right choice.

Now, my career is in its own mid-life crisis. I need to figure out what I need to do over the next few years. I need to tell my parents that I am not ready to marry for the next couple of years (actually forever, but just to buy time for now). I need to set right a lot of things in my life. But the only thing occupying my mind right now is her. I need to know that I will have her. I will win this world and seven others when I do.

I am however worried about a few things. I keep talking to her about what I feel and the things that are going through my mind. I keep telling her how much I love her and how my world seems empty if I try to picture it without her. But I am worried that the more I talk about this she is going to feel uncomfortable and move further away from me. I also have this thought that, what if after she does say yes and becomes my lover, after a few years down the line, she feels that I may not be right for her and she wants to break-up. Would I be able to bear it? Note that, I never talk about breaking up with her myself, isn’t that funny? Actually at this very moment, I feel her in every single cell of my body and I refuse to believe that I could bring myself to not like her. But should that ever happen, I would still try my best to revive the relationship.

I promised to her that I will not talk about mushy stuff anymore. But I sometimes cannot help it. I want to tell her everything and want to look into her eyes as she realizes what I am saying. But I cannot.

I am very jealous of him right now. How perfect his life is. He has everything he needs in his life.

I wish I could bring myself to shout out my lungs and cry. Maybe that will make me feel better.

But that would make me lesser of man wouldn’t it? I do not believe that is true, but our world is made up of other people’s perspectives. Especially the ones we love.

I want to stand up again. I wish to change my mood.

I have started running again, I will get into climbing and eventually swimming in the sea and surfing. I will do all this as much for myself as it is for her. I will need to hide my emotions from her. She is happy with him and I should not rock her world. I will wait. I may eventually be heart broken, but I will wait for her. She would come back to me someday. I know it. If she does not, I will die knowing that I tried hard enough.

I will not share this post with her, but if she ever reads this, I would want her to tell me right away (immediately), because I want to tell her that everything I have said here is true and if she does tell me she read this, it means she respects me as a person and not just a love struck idiot.

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