I made a mistake…

The last two days with her here have been amazing. I was spending quality time with her and she has stayed for at least a couple of hours with me after hours to talk to me. The angel that she is. But yesterday after our usual ‘talks’ and a little bit of fooling around, i started talking stupid things. I told her that if I ever decide to ‘disappear’ she should notworry about me. While I know she would be sad for a while, I also know that she is a very smart girl and would know how to get out of it. Besides her Mr.Perfect would take care of jostling her out of it. But I should not have said that. Furstly she feels responsible for my current state of mind, which while partly being true is not entirely correct. I have so many other issues in my life, and the impatient idiot that I am, if I cant get immediate results I always think of quirky things. I would never do it (I think), but then there is no such thing as being ‘fool’ proof about anything. Fool’s hae n a azing talent to beat all expectations. I am a fool too. And I know that is what she is worries about.

Coming back to what I was saying, she was a bit upset with me and was adking me to promise her I wouldn’t do anything foolish. But how could I tell her that. I mean, if things go all over the place, some people do not have the proverbial testicles to handle it. I think my testicles are fine, but my brain wants immediate salvation and all this time, I have been vehemently fighting this feeling just so that I could talk to her and see her again. but I did proMise her eventually. 

I want her to be happy always, I would do anything for that. I will sit through her wedding and smile. I would pick her babies up and kiss them. I would hold her hands when she is sad – if she lets me. I would be there for her forever, in body if possible but surely in soul.

Since she left in an upset fashion, I could barely sleep and enclosed spaces now give me anxiety attacks. How beautiful is the human brain. Anyway, I spoke to her in the morning and after I heard her spritely voice again, I got much better.

how do I explain to her that all she needs to do is just be normal with me and I will conquer the world and lay it at her feet. How do I tell herthat I would never ‘depart’ because of her, but would be ready to so for he -any instant. How do I tell her that she is my world and I think of her eachliving instant – in wakefulness and sleep. How do I tell her that it is not her fault that I am mad about her, but my own as I am a deeply insane bastard.

I love her and her boyfriend and everything she loves.

I just want her to be happy and as promised I will truly try myself too.

I love you honey and hearing your voice and seeing your messages and e-mails mean more to me than water to a man stranded on a desert over 7 days.

God be kind. Keep her happy. Take everything you wishto give me if you want, but give her double of all happiness. If she ever is sad, I will personally slap your ass very very hard.

I will go back to being reticient again. Should be the wine.

p.s. Please pardon the typos as I am using my pad and a bit drunk. But with drunkness comes honesty 🙂 She said she will come back to stay for a bit today, hope I end my last few hours with her in this town well. Wish me luck.

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I still love her….

Dear all,

the last two days with her have been amazing. I have sort of come to terms with accepting her love for her man. But now I genuinely believe that I will be a part of her life always – some small but significant part. I still love her with all my heart. I think no one can ever match her in my life. But like I promised I will try to stay open and see what destiny has chosen for me. But I still believe that there could be no one who loves her more than I. 

Crazy, but true….

The meeting…

I am going to her Dad’s hometown to meet her on Wednesday. I am feeling really nervous right now. I am afraid she is going to say and do/not do things that could hurt me. But I promised her I will meet her and she said she wanted to see me too. Hence I am going.

I hope I have a chance to tell her this. “I wanted to tell you that I miss being your close friend. All the email exchanges where you told me a lot of things, random emails with pictures about your life, daily happenings etc. I miss that. I want to tell you that I want to get back to that space. Do not worry about what goes on in my mind. I promise you that I will never again say anything related to my thoughts of love for you. I will bury my thoughts in my own brain unless I clearly know that you really wish to hear about it. It may never happen and I will not worry about it. I wish to have your trust always and wish to be with you as a friend forever”

I hope she understands and reciprocates.

Wish me luck.

The touch…

When you touch a girl, what do you feel?

It could be a simple handshake, no real emotion behind it. And as you shake her hands, you may want the process to end soon as you are not really comfortable. It could also be that you feel her hand and like the touch and wish it extend for a few more seconds at least.

It could be a hug, where you and the girl have 3 layers of clothes and all you feel is a big bulk. Or you beyond the layers of her clothes, as you hug her, and your face is close to her you smell her hair and wish time stops as you gently nuzzle your face against her hair.

As you walk with her along the road or beach, you could hold her hands and feel the warmth rushing through your veins and reaching your head, intoxicating you for a while.

You could sit next to her and as you talk to her, you could have this overwhelming feeling to kiss her, but you know you are not supposed to, so you do the next best thing. Hold her face in the palm of your hands. You feel an electric pulse rushing through your entire body and you are instantly high.

You could lie next to her and hug her as she sleeps. You touch her body and you long to be one with her. But you cannot. You still hug her tightly and do feel one with her. You wish you could somehow mentally record the feeling to play it over and over again in your mind.

I have always felt that it is not possible to mentally recreate a touch, I believe it now.

Love you till my last breath, honey…

 

The Raindrop…

 

There is a raindrop on my hand

It looks so beautiful and complete

As I sit wondering its origin, I realize that it is sliding down the side of my hand

I turn my hand and see it land between my fingers

I look at the beautiful raindrop and wonder how perfect it seems

I can see my reflection on the drop and I wonder if I am really that good looking

The drop feels warm

I wonder why

As I thought rain drops were cold

And as I wonder I realize that there is another drop that falls on my hand

And then another

Soon my hands are full of beautiful raindrops

Now I see my reflections on so many little specks of water on my hand

And as I look closer at myself through the drops, I realize their origin

I thought these raindrops came from the melted ice off of the highest mountains on earth

Little did I realize that they came from my own eyes…

And now I think…

I have been talking about her to so many people here on WordPress and outside. I have been receiving several kinds of advise which have all made sense to me. I have thought about her for every single moment since I left the country where I met her. I have gone through so many permutations of scenarios of what would happen. I feel the need to stop thinking about this and have been told so by so many people.

Now, I believe I have come to terms with what I need to do.

I believe I can be a very close friend of hers. To stand through thick and thin. I will continue to love every ounce of her as I always do. But I will showcase it in the most platonic way possible. If I truly love her, I should let her be. She is going through some emotions with another person now and I respect that. I cannot try to win her back now. It is wrong. For her and for the man as well.

I have grown up with a lot of self respect. I do not wish to seem like a pathetic love struck loser in her eyes. I will improve myself in all respects in my life – I have been bad over the last few years for a number of reasons. I will stand up tall again.

I will learn to smile more and look happier. I will genuinely try to be happy as well. I want to be with several new people and talk to them and avoid talking about her as much as possible.

If she sees the person in me worthy enough of her, she will come back to me someday. But I will not bank my hopes on it. I will accept whatever happens. After all, as I promised, no one in this world would be able to love her the way I do.

I will change for the better.

I will love her till my last breath with all my heart, and that will never change.

This is how I will show my respect for her.

Walking…

I had a new realization today. He is with her today and as always I felt that excruciating pain knowing that she won’t be that way with me. But I calmed myself down and with ample help from two wonderful people I have met through WordPress – Sir and Darling.

I have realized that I may never walk with her, with her hand in mine. But I would be happy to walk right behind her, watching out for her and making sure I am there to catch her if she ever were to fall. I would still be walking with her, but not the best way I would have wanted.

I still love her immensely.

A wonderful bunch of quotes

 “My importance to the world is relatively small. On the other hand, my importance to myself is tremendous. I am all I have to work with, to play with, to suffer and to enjoy. It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but of my own. I do not intend to let myself down more than I can possibly help, and I find that the fewer illusions I have about myself or the world around me, the better company I am for myself.”

– Noel Coward

“If I try to be like him, who will be like me?”

– Yiddish proverb

“Everything begins with a thought. You can either trash it as a passing thought or work on it hard enough to make it a reality.”

– Myself

“Mother Earth kissed the little boy who fell down for the eighth time and said, Aren’t you the wonderful child who rose up seven times”

– Something I heard a long time ago

 

The Run…

I went running today around a reservoir in my neighborhood. It was around 11.30 PM in the night when I got there and the reservoir has a circumference of around 5 KM (it is huge). As I started the run, I noticed a few people standing at different points around the reservoir, couples holding each other, single people smoking, groups of men drinking beer etc. Usual sights.

As I passed through a relatively secluded spot, I noticed this couple making out from quite a distance. Now, I turned away and tried not to look, but my next glance saw the guy putting his hand from under her shirt and reaching up. I coughed loudly to make my presence felt (I had slowed down as I was tired and I couldn’t run fast to pass the spot, otherwise I would have). They looked up and a really weird thing happened. The girl started crying and pushing the guy away.

A couple who were intimate a moment ago weren’t anymore. I saw the girl crying and pushing the guy away as I passed them and I ran a few meters ahead. I could not hear what they were speaking but I knew things were not alright.

Now, I am generally a person who minds his own business, especially when it comes to couples\relationships. But I don’t know what got into me, I turned back and walked to where the couple where. They were still in a mild argument with the guy trying to explain something to her. I got there and this is what we spoke…

Me: Hello guys, sorry to bother you, can I talk to you for a second?

Guy: Hey Bro, go away, we are..

Me: (I cut him off) Sorry mate, please give me a minute to speak

Everyone was silent.

Me: (I looked at the girl and said) Hey I hope you are ok. I am sorry that I happened to pass by now at a bad time and I may have been the reason why this became an awkward situation and I wanted to apologize for that.

Girl: Can you please go, this is none of your business

Guy: (Joined in and walked towards me with some expletives)

Now this was even more awkward for me, but for some reason, I wanted to continue.

Me: Ok Ok, calm down. Just listen to me for a second. I just want to say that he did what he did because he got intense and it has happened to me before and I want to tell you that as long as you believe he truly loves you, you should not let such a small thing hurt you. Especially if you do like him as well. (the guy knew that I was supporting him and was silent, he turned to look back at the girl, but of course he cannot let a stranger advise his girl, so he again said ‘please go man’)

I continued…

Me: I will walk away in another 30 seconds and you may never see me again. But just remember this, both of you.. If you love each other enough, you need to know what the other person wants and understand how much you can give without hurting yourself. Talk about this and you should be fine. I want you guys to be happy. I am no love saint. But I wish you two good luck. Take care guys.

I then turned and left without looking back. I still do not understand why I said what I said and how I believed I could talk to a random couple in their intimate moment. But for some reason I felt so responsible for what happened. Maybe if I had not passed through there, the guy may have had his way for a bit and then the girl may have stopped him. Instead of the embarrassment of having a stranger look at what was happening.

Public display of affection is quite common in this city with some of the kids really going overboard. But for some reason I liked this couple. They both were very good looking and I could see love in their eyes (at least I like to think that).

In any case, I finished my first round and got on my second slow jog round and as I crossed my start mark I noticed the couple walking towards the exit. They were holding hands and they noticed me and both of them smiled, though the girl smiled and looked away almost immediately. As I was about to pass them the guy raised his hand as if to say ‘hi’ and as I went past him, said “Thanks”. Now this was completely unexpected.

But it made my day. I wish they are together for a long time.

Kindness

As I mentioned earlier, I am working on improving myself for the better. My world is still centered around a certain person and I do not think it is imperative that I move it (the centre, that is). In any case, as a part of this behavioral change I am reading certain books on Psychology and Philosophy and here is an excerpt from one of them, with some inputs from myself.

KINDNESS
Practicing acts of kindness towards yourself and others is a behavioral antidote to anxiety and stress. It’s a simple thing you can do to bring more peace and joy to your life. Kindness begets kindness and the power of kindness cannot always get what they want or be who they wish to be. When we struggle with or deny this reality our suffering increases in the form of stress and self-hate. When this reality is accepted with compassion and kindness stress and anxiety are decreased. Compassion and kindness are actions, not feelings.

The exercise below will give you some ideas about how to practise loving-kindness.

PRACTICING LOVING-KINDNESS EXERCISE

Be mindful of any chance you get throughout your day to act in kind and compassionate ways towards yourself and others. These acts of kindness could take many forms.

Below are some examples.

  • Say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘you are welcome’ more often
  • Ask a shop assistant how they are doing and really pay attention to the answer
  • Smile at a stranger
  • Ring a friend to tell them you are thinking of them
  • Send a relative a card to show your appreciation of them
  • Give a hug or kiss to a loved one
  • Give out five genuine compliments each day
  • Show understanding, compassion and forgiveness when you feel hurt and the urge to strike back
  • When you are thinking positive things about someone, let them know
  • Do something kind for yourself each day

Engaging in these random acts of kindness can often lead to feeling more connected with others and more positive within yourself. It is important to take the time to look for moments when you can share, show care, offer gratitude or extend warmth. Similarly, look for opportunities to offer hope, love or a helping hand. Do this when you would rather shut down, cut off or explode. These are the moments when the benefits of practicing loving-kindness through your actions are most needed and they will benefit you and others the most.

Some of the unexpected outcomes of acting with kindness can be an increased sense of peace, love and trust. You may find that people are drawn to you when you act with kindness. This way of being can only enrich your relationships.

Courtesy – Release Your Worries – Dr. Cate Howell and Dr. Michele Murphy

A lot of things said in this excerpt makes sense to me. In fact I used to practice these suggestions a long time ago as I had read something similar from a different source. It always feels great to compliment someone and look at their eyes light up as you speak to them.

I think I still have enough love and kindness to share. You should too.