This is my first blog on the subject of love. I have never been in love; or should I say I ‘had’ never been in love before and when I did experience it for the first time, I realized how beautiful and complicated the feeling is. This post is based on a recent conversation I had with the girl I love. Now, I must tell you that, she is seeing someone else, I came into her life a little later than I would have wanted to, but I may have never had the chance to win her over. So simply put, I love her, she likes me as a friend but is with someone else. Sounds interesting huh!
Today was a really crazy day. Over the last few days I missed her so much that I could barely sleep. She had been out with her boyfriend and I was waiting for her to come back to work, so I could see her. I did see her and I my life lit up once again. After work, she stopped by at my place for a smoke and asked me a weird question. I wonder if you would ever hate me. I replied to her that I will not allow myself to do that. I explained to her that unlike love, to hate someone you do not really need a reason. It is indeed strange yet very true (there would be a lot of people who would say that about love, but trust me, if you sit down and think about it you will realize why you love a person). I also told her that if I ever had that feeling of hatred towards her, I would tell myself things that would make me love her again. She laughed and said that I was crazy to think that way. She then bid me good bye and drove back home and I went up to my room and tried to sleep.
Sometime between the point where I was fully asleep and remotely conscious, I was thinking of her question. I was pondering what is it that I would tell myself to make myself love her over and over again and suddenly it came out like poetry and I decided to write it down for my own sake and for the sake of people who care to read this and experience my love.
You asked me if I could ever hate you. I thought about it and realized that, I may. But if I ever get that feeling, I would remind myself of all the wonderful things that made you such a lovable person in my eyes. I would remind myself of how happy you make me feel just by being around me, how lost in a trance I become when I look into your beautiful eyes, how smooth and soft your face feels when I touch it, how the curls of your tresses fall across your face, how beautiful the 7 moles on the right side of your face are, how special that one mole on your right upper lip is, how your eyebrows shoot up as if you are amused and amazed at the same time, every time you laugh at somebody’s jokes, how your nose is so cute that Cleopatra and Helen of Troy would have felt so insecure in your presence, how your lips seem so well crafted as if they were made-to-order to look that way, how your chin ends so sharply making your already beautiful face even more beautiful. I would remind myself of how wonderful it felt to touch the nape of your neck, the way your rounded shoulders felt strong yet soft, how your petite bosom seemed to hold more life and love, when I held them, than all the voluptuous women out there, how your deep rounded navel was so perfect that it could hold an American dime in it and also how your skin folded into your navel making it so unique, how your love handles had just the right amount of fat to make it feel neither like an lifeless washboard nor like a pound of flab, how the V lines of your love spot seemed perfectly shaped to showcase the mound of love, how your folds fell more on the right than on the left above the orifice to heaven, how your beautiful thighs were shaped like arching tree trunks, how your calf and shin had rope cuts from all the climbing you do and still manage to look beautiful, how your feet had cuts and bruises all over yet were small and pretty and held together this wholesome body. How could I hate God’s most perfect creation.
I also humor a thought. Several thoughts, actually. Of how would it be, if the world fell in place with my wishes. I imagine myself waking up next to you, naked of course, just the way we both like it, and I realize we are indeed together and it is not a dream anymore. I get up slowly to slide off the side of the bed, but you catch me moving and with your eyes still closed say “uh-uh”. I smile and I kiss you on your forehead and slide back next to you and hug you over your chest. I feel warm again and go to sleep. I imagine going out to surf in the beach with you and I almost drown when a big wave hits me. I barely make it to the shore and I lie on my back laughing and coughing at the same time. You run up to me, fall on your knees and ask me, “what the fuck just happened” and slap me. I still can’t stop laughing and pull you down and kiss you to make you alright again.
I imagine asking you to marry me, atop a hill as the sun sets with nobody around and you nod ‘yes’ and kiss me. We get married 5 times, in 5 different countries and vow to get married every year at a different place. You are so happy and I live with a perpetual smile on my face. We go on our first honeymoon to the Caribbean and rent a beach side house. After an intense candle lit night of making love, I wake up earlier than you and sneak off the bed, get dressed and walk down the beach. As I swing my arms as I walk and look up at the sky, something soft catches my arm behind my back. It is you. You woke up too and followed me down and caught up with me. I kiss you and put my arms around your shoulder and walk down with you, as you rest your head on my shoulder.
We go Scuba diving and you play around with jelly fish and one stupid poisonous one stings you. I am petrified and carry you to the doctor, your arms are swollen and so are your lips and cheeks. You look like steamrollered Angelina Jolie, but I can’t laugh then as I am very worried. Eventually you recover (in a few hours, though it seemed like eternity) and joke about how you looked and you hate me when I mention about the A Jo portion.
We go out drinking one night and one of the lesser guys in the bar tries to hit on you, he slaps you on your back and I grow furious and sock him on his nose. Before it turns into a real brawl you pull me out and walk out of the place. You later reprimand me for being stupidly heroic in the wrong place. I am still angry, but I do not utter a word and hold your hand as we walk down the road.
We walk down the pier on one of your favorite beaches, it gets cold and you hold on to my hands so tightly. I smile and wrap myself around you. You say you feel great right now but you are afraid to move as it may feel cold again. I sweep you off your feet and carry you to the car. You laugh all the way at how I am panting.
You are in the maternity ward, clasping my hand really hard as you push our first baby out. Very soon, I am holding the second most beautiful girl in the universe, in my arms. I am so overwhelmed and so are you. You chuckle and a tear escapes your eyes. I kiss you and lick the tear off your cheek and you push me away saying “Gross”. I laugh and kiss you and my beautiful princess again.
And then we have a son, and we have a family that everyone envies. Our daughter’s first words, our son’s first baseball game. All the wins, losses, fights, kisses, quarrels, hugs all of them reminding us how gifted we are. Any more perfect and we would be Gods!!!
We grow old and one summer, I decide to take you on a fishing trip. Our children live in different cities, happily with their own families. I ask you to join me on the boat and you do and we talk and talk about everything in our lives. I manage to catch a pike (not really what I wanted), but you are still proud of me and we bring it back to the cabin. You cook it for me and after a scrumptious meal, we sit out on the porch watching the sunset and smoking our cigars and drinking fine wine, just the way we like it. I play an old retro song on the music player and ask you for a dance. We dance for a while all the time chuckling and making fun of each other. We sit down when we are exhausted. We talk about how we first met and our first dinner together, for the millionth time. Our children have always laughed at how big a dork I was, and it always amused me. I am very happy again and I hold your hand. We kiss. I say I wish to sleep in the chair for a while and you say you want to unpack for the night. I kiss you one more time, not realizing that would be the last time. I see that twinkle in your eyes again for one last time. I thank God for a perfect life and close my eyes. And I sleep peacefully, knowing that no man could have had a more perfect life than I. I am sad that I do not know if there is after life and if I would meet you again, but then I pray that there is no such thing, just to make sure that I do not give destiny even half a chance to take you away from me in another life.
When I love you this intensely, how do you think I could ever hate you, honey?
Now, I know none of the things I have mentioned above would ever happen. It probably shouldn’t as you deserve someone better than I. Better in all respects of life. And I know you will. I will see your wedding invite, I will be told of your first child and your second. I will only be happy for you, I will only fall in love with everything that enters your life. I may end up with someone else too, but I really hope I do not (even if I do, I will tell her she is my second love and will always remain so and it is her choice to stay or leave). Because I wish to prove to myself that I can live with one true love, whether reciprocated or not. If I truly love you, I should let you lead your happy life. You will be happy forever and I will love you the same way forever.
This is what I would have told her. But I know better. She does not wish to hear all this from me. Simply because, I am not that perfect partner for her and also because she is with someone else now. The most beautiful thing about being in love is, you realize how big a fool you are but you just cannot help it. So here I am waiting alone for her. Right now, all the dreams and ambitions of my life seem so small because I feel that I will never have her and nothing else seems to matter to me now. But I need to pick myself up, be a bigger person and bide time. Time is a great healer they say, let me test it. Because that is what she wants. And that is what I want for her too, she should live guilt-free, always smiling and bringing laughter into other people’s lives. But I will never cease to love her one bit lesser than I do right now. No matter who she is with, I will wait for that one day or one life time when I can be with her. I always will
Stop trippin’ man! 😉 (is what she would say)….